Back to Reality (Again)
by BexyLexi
Summary: After the events of 'Normal Again' Buffy re-awakens in the clinic and finds that the real world is way more familiar than she thought. An old tale now re-imagined.
1. The Real World

Disclaimed: Ahh alas, these characters et al do not belong to me, I am borrowing.

Notes: A re-imagined version of a project I started a good 15+ years ago. Hoping to go a little further this time! Who is up for the ride?

* * *

Back to Reality Again

When she next opened her eyes, it was quiet. The room was dark except for the shard of harsh fluorescent light that escaped from the corridor outside. Looking down she found she was still wearing the hospital gown. Creasing her forehead in thought, she struggled to remember what had happened. How she'd got here. Her head was too full and what was in it wasn't making much sense. There was a demon, that she remembered, who could forget it, it had been completely gross. But now it was like there were two sets of memories, and neither seemed to mesh well with the other. She'd seen it before, before it had poisoned her this time, but where? It was like those times long past, that also felt like they'd happened recently. But wait, it was getting far too confusing. That thing had poisoned her in Sunnydale? What was going on? Buffy's head began to hurt from the ridiculously jumbled thoughts.

Her thoughts changed focus, her friends, and that automatic instinct to reach out to them, it took some restraint not to call out for their help, but she knew it was pointless, they weren't there were they? At least she knew she'd not killed them and had stopped that demon before it got to them. But that was before she'd been given the antidote and had woken up here again. Somehow Buffy knew, she wouldn't be going back to them.

That was a couple of days ago and the doctor couldn't believe she was now completely lucid. Oh yes alleluia. He and her parents regarded it as some miracle, but she knew that whatever the hell had happened it wasn't a miracle. Buffy had her own theories, but none she could possibly share with her doctor or anyone else. She needed to be believably sane to get out of here as quickly as possible and while she knew she _was_ sane, it didn't mean that the doctor would be of the same frame of mind if she cared to share all her current thoughts following her 'awakening'.

Her parents. That had been the hardest thing to deal with. While this was the world she belonged in, it was so hard to discard the memories and cumulative feelings spanning those six years. Mom was here, she hadn't died, Dad was here as well, they were together, which was a strange thing to comprehend and would take some getting used to. She would be going home soon. As soon as the doctor thought she was ready. He had his reservations, well who wouldn't? He was concerned over her confusion and would likely be keen to keep her at the clinic because he had no idea what the hell had happened, he had no clue which was, kind of funny but not so funny if it meant he held her hostage longer than was necessary. Muttering about miracles and impossibilities, she thought he could do with some reality checking and a much more open mind. Which was precisely why she was keeping quite a bit to herself. She honestly did believe she belonged _here_ , but Buffy couldn't bring herself to dismiss those six years in Sunnydale as a crazed delusion created by her mind.

All those confused thoughts and not one iota of anything that resembled an explanation. Confusion abounded, not least by some of the things her mom and dad had been talking about, to her and between themselves. Things like getting her back in school; what school? And though she didn't catch all of what they'd said, she could tell things weren't great between them. The stress of her being in there must have taken its toll.

But still, something wasn't sitting right, they looked different, younger and they'd talked about her blowing up the school gym like it was a recent disaster. That was during a discussion with the doctor. Buffy had managed to fob them off saying she wasn't sure why she'd done it, for attention, because she was bored or because she was very angry? And those were the theories her parents and the doctor preferred. They were leaning toward the idea that she had a personality disorder. She supposed that to outsiders, it might explain some of her behaviour.

Blowing up the school just seemed like so long ago, perhaps they were talking about it because it had occurred just before they locked her up in here. Was that right? For some reason she recollected two instances. She'd been released when she'd stopped talking about…everything she wasn't meant to be talking about, but then…there was a memory block just there, and she couldn't get through that.

And then that just highlighted that other thing. She had blown up the school here. She had talked about vampires here and then she'd been released once when she'd stopped going on about it. Did that mean something? The only answer Buffy could think of was that she was still the slayer and then that's when she was hit by an awful gnawing feeling crawling around in the pit of her stomach.

What had happened in the six years she'd been in here? Was there another slayer? Had they had to call another because she was incarcerated? Why hadn't the council of watchers tried to get her out? She was certain it was well within their power so why not?

When the answer came it came quickly and was so shocking that it rivalled discovering she was the slayer. A little over two weeks had passed and Buffy had to endure further therapy with her doctor. She had worked hard on how to talk to him in an average kind of way, obviously emphasising how well she felt and describing in detail her regular nothing out of the ordinary feelings. Though it was massively tedious she knew it was necessary. She wanted out after all. She couldn't wait to escape this place and made her peace with cooperating. Fortunately, it appeared to be working, they were beginning to realise she was 'okay', whatever the benchmark for that was, and they had ceased pumping her full of medication, thank god for that.

The doctor excused himself and left the room, clearly to confer with her parents and possibly to bring them into their discussion. Buffy took the opportunity to look around his office yet again.

It was typical, and dull; that wasn't surprising, it was the kind of room that was common in hospitals, not much to look at and what was there was various shades of grey. Her eyes came to rest on the calendar behind his desk. It was displaying February, which was strange, she had thought it was March. Buffy frowned momentarily before realising that whatever had happened in her mind or not, she'd been in this clinic long enough and had been given quite enough mind-altering drugs to explain her disorientation, awareness of time is probably a common one to lose. She shook her head satisfied with her explanation and her gaze moved on already bored by the objects on the desk, but when she caught sight of the year in the corner of the calendar she could go no further.

1996.

She did a double take and once again read the same year. That was wrong, why did he have a six-year-old calendar hanging up in his office? There was no way it was right. Buffy stood up and leaned over his desk to see if there was a date on his computer screen, a vague panic rising within her. When she moved the mouse over the time in the bottom right corner of the screen and the date was revealed as 12th February 1996, she knew that it wasn't the calendar that was wrong, she was.

* * *

Interested to hear your thoughts...even if you shared them with me originally! Hello there!

B


	2. Stranger Than Fiction

Stranger Than Fiction

* * *

It was almost impossible to process, Buffy had experienced a wide variety of weird things, whether they were a part of reality or a product of her imagination was still up for debate, privately of course, but this feeling might just top them all. Her heartbeat thundered painfully quickly for several minutes just following the discovery. There it was, she could not deny the evidence, six years had not passed since she was admitted.

All that time had been in her mind. She shook her head then, as if to dislodge the memories that she couldn't get to, the ones that led up her being there the second time around. She was now sure that this _was_ the second time, no matter what the date was or anything else that was going on, she knew that she'd been in here once before. It had been after the calling, but it wasn't for long, they'd let her out and she'd carried on with training, after a bit of a stern lecture from Merrick about the secret identity thing. Her parents had continued to worry about her mental state and behaviour and then, Merrick had died, she had to set fire to the gym, she'd been expelled, and everyone thought she was a mental case anyway. Everyone except Pike. Pike! If it's really 1996, he must still be around, Buffy wasn't sure, about any of it. The events in her head seemed to diverge at the gym. There was no real way to know what was going on in the real world until she was in it. She hadn't been able to keep in touch with Pike after they moved to Sunnydale, but that wasn't real, they hadn't moved to Sunnydale, it hadn't happened.

This was the beginning of another headache.

The truth was that it was only weeks since she'd blown up the gym, since they'd kicked her out of school. _But_ , that wasn't when they'd put her in here. She remembered the aftermath of it all, being shouted at a lot and her parents shouting at each other and them looking at other schools. Buffy hadn't been too interested. She had been understandably pissed off, being expelled, losing all her friends, not that they'd been too friendly just before that. It all came down to being the slayer. Why had it happened? She hadn't asked for it. Who would ask for their life to be turned upside down? These feelings came back full force, and she couldn't help the anger that seethed within.

Buffy recalled something then, a couple of weeks after the gym incident, patrolling with Pike. Patrolling, fighting, staking, the usual; and then…what happened after that? Did she go home? Do some more training?

No.

She was still searching her fractured memory when the doctor returned followed by her Mom and Dad, smiles plastered on their faces. She smiled in return despite her current difficulty, realising that he must have said something encouraging. She switched that encouraging to phenomenal when he announced that Buffy wouldn't be there for much longer, having diagnosed her with a personality disorder (oh yeah right) he said she seemed to be doing okay and that all was needed once discharged was regular therapy for her disorder.

Buffy was going to agree to practically anything to get out of there, to get on with her life, even as her parents worded it, to get on with school. That felt very weird, school; she had to go through that hell again, even though she knew she hadn't really graduated. Weird was the word, freaky also a good one.

He didn't say how soon, her mom and dad said something about a week, but she knew they were guessing. It was hard, trying to get used to the idea of having them around again. Seeing mom was so great it took huge restraint on Buffy's part not to hug her for an hour each time she appeared. Her Dad was a different matter. Buffy still had all this resentment toward him, but she knew that he hadn't done anything to deserve it. Not yet anyway. She knew that they weren't on the greatest of terms right now, you could tell by watching them, and she'd seen that before. She could see it coming; they probably knew it too. Buffy wondered if they were just hanging on for her, until she got out of there, until she was 'better'.

* * *

Buffy found herself back in her room, staring at the walls again, really, it was little more than a cell and there wasn't much to do except that. She wouldn't be surprised if there were people who weren't cracked but ended up that way just by residing in one of those rooms. It was an oddly empty space that felt like it had seen too much, like the walls were haemorrhaging a long history of horror, the impression of ghosts pressed itself upon her head, whether they were literal or figurative mattered not.

With the news that she was going home soon her parents had been allowed to get her some of her own clothes. It was both a relief and a problem. Buffy had tried not to look at the clothes mom handed her with supreme distaste. No denying it was good to wear something…normal, but she'd been horrified at the fashion trends. Most of them were okay and she knew that they were all currently fashionable, but they had inspired a very strong impulse to go shopping for a whole new look. She had a feeling her mother wouldn't object, she'd probably let her have anything given the circumstances, but Buffy felt it was a little wrong to take advantage of the situation. She smiled as the sixteen-year-old in her found the idea funny.

Buffy was struggling with the glaring truth that she was not in fact 21, no matter what had happened or how she felt, she was only sixteen. Ugh, there are reasons no one likes the idea of going backwards and being younger again, going backwards in time, or what felt like it was not fun. She might be a little more mature what with being the slayer, but wow, she was still human and susceptible to all the rampant hormones and was also obligated to complete high school. No thanks.

As usual she was confusing herself and developing a headache, confusion should be reserved for something useful, like trying to figure out what had happened during that patrol. She was sure it was that patrol. She was fighting, Pike was fighting further away and then, she'd finished with the last vamp but was attacked from behind; Pike didn't have time to warn her. That was it! She was attacked and flipped over, landing painfully on her back, she'd turned around expecting to find another vamp, and instead it was that icky demon. It was that demon, the same one. That's where she'd seen him before!

Buffy smiled as the pieces fitted back into place, though it wasn't for long. It had poisoned her, and then…it'd disappeared, and Pike was by her side. She'd felt ok, a bit dizzy but otherwise fine and he took her home, he'd been so sweet taking care of her and telling her to rest.

She didn't remember clearly after that, she'd been delirious; and they had thought she had the flu. But then she'd started talking about vampires, genius move Buffy, told them a demon had poisoned her and about Pike and they brought her straight back to this horrible place. The only thing she remembered after that was those six years in Sunnydale. But it hadn't been six years, it was just a couple of weeks. What the hell did it mean? She needed to get out here very badly, not least because it could be vamp party central with the slayer MIA.

She was just thinking that she needed a new watcher and wondered whether he'd be anything like Giles when an orderly poked his head round the door.

"Hey Buffy, you have a visitor, he's in the day room." She produced a thin smile in return, puzzled and wary. It couldn't be her parents, they usually burst straight into her room.

"Who is it?" She asked, curiosity getting the upper hand.

"Your uncle I think, come on, I think he might be in a hurry." The distracted man replied.

Buffy frowned and followed him out of the room. She didn't have an uncle, or she did but he was in Europe or somewhere, always travelling like dad, you could count on one hand the number of times she'd met him, and she had no idea why he might visit her.

Beyond curious, she peered around the doorway into the room, all normal, no uncle in evidence. And then Buffy's gaze came to rest on Rupert Giles.

Giles.

She did a double take, the calendar incident sprung to mind and her expression must have been very similar as well. Though her brain seemed to have been short-circuited in shock she found herself walking forward, feeling awkward and self-conscious.

What the heck was she meant to say?

How about 'Hi I know who you are because you were my watcher and I've known you for six years in my head?'

Buffy didn't know what was going on, but she knew she could not say that. Absently, she noted why the orderly had thought he was in a hurry, he kept checking his wristwatch for the time. Perhaps it was a nervous tick, these kinds of places don't exactly put anyone at ease, the stigma associated with mental health being what it was.

She approached him nervously, knowing she'd have to tell him the whole story eventually, especially if anything more became too familiar. This specific moment was far from the comfort of her memory, but if he was going to be her watcher as she now suspected, _that_ _was_ the same.

Buffy supposed she would just take each day, one at a time, no one can really know the future before it happens. Right?

"Hi, I hope I'm not holding you up or something?" Buffy asked, smiling slightly cheekily at him as he flustered to collect himself and regarded her with an odd expression before speaking.

"Not at all Ms Summers but never-mind that. You are no doubt wondering who I am and what I am doing here."

Buffy smiled again, reminded of just how British he'd been when they'd first met.

"Actually, yes but let me guess first?" She replied,

He pursed his lips, looking unamused at her childish reply but smiled anyway, she lowered her voice a little before speaking,

"Your name is Rupert Giles and you're my new Watcher. Maybe wondering how you got this bum assignment to a slayer with mental health issues. Am I right?"

The expression that he was now wearing was one of astonishment and she sat down on the chintzy overly-stuffed sofa, quite pleased with herself. Well you've got to find the fun where you can.

"I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware that you had had any contact with the council aside from your first…." He let the thought trail off, he continued to look stunned and was obviously trying to work out what was going on.

She grinned inwardly; he might just spend several years doing that.

"No, I haven't. You _are_ my new watcher then?" Buffy was direct this time, just to confirm it.

He nodded slowly.

"Yes, I'm sorry about…" He looked uncomfortable and again, didn't finish the sentence,

"Merrick." She provided, and he nodded again.

"I am very interested as to how you know who I am, but first I'd like to make it quite clear, I do not think I got a 'bum assignment' as you put it Ms Summers. Whatever your mental…status might be."

"I'm not crazy." She said, putting a voice to the awkward possibility hanging in the air, using the common slang phrase so often the focus of misunderstood prejudice. There was no point in tiptoeing around it when they needed to work so closely together.

He looked at her as if to say that most people in a similar position would probably claim the same thing.

"Look, you probably know about the first time I was in here. From Merrick's diaries about how I mistakenly told my parents about…you know."

He nodded.

"Yes, an unfortunate incident. However,"

"If you are going to say that I wouldn't have started talking about it again to them without being mentally unstable well don't. You might have been right and who would blame a slayer for being so affected, but it wasn't my fault, I was poisoned," She declared, a little too aggressively.

"Really?" He sounded interested now, and maybe a little less sceptical. It was a typical Giles reaction, always far too excited by weird and freaky crap like this.

"Yeah, I mean if I'd had a watcher with me when it happened you'd all know about it and I probably wouldn't have been in here this long."

He looked a bit abashed at the unspoken accusation, but Buffy carried on before he could say anything. "I was patrolling with my friend Pike, and we'd just got rid of a whole bunch of _them_ when this," She looked around furtively before whispering, "demon,"

The last thing she needed was someone over hearing all this.

"…Attacked me and seemed to inject me with this poison, completely disgusting. Anyway, my parents thought I had the flu as I had a fever and was delirious but when I started talking about you know what and other stuff they brought me straight back here. Apparently, I was catatonic or something similar for a short while,"

She sighed, exhausted and depressed by the re-telling.

"I don't really know what brought me out of it; maybe I developed immunity? All I do know is that I need to get out of here, thankfully it should be pretty soon,"

Giles leaned back and seemed to study her for a moment before replying.

"I'll have to research this demon. Your theory on developing immunity is probably accurate. When did you recover?"

"Two and a half weeks ago. It's so annoying that they've kept me here even though I'm obviously fine. Did you know that the doctor thinks I've got a personality disorder? He got that just from me blowing up the gym, that little thing and that was hardly my fault."

Giles smiled, slightly amused at her lack of guilt.

"Okay so it was, but there was a really good reason and I can't tell anyone what that is. And because of that I got kicked out."

"Yes, I was aware of that…let's just hope that it doesn't come to that at your new school. Now, you said they were letting you out?" He asked mildly, moving on from my apparent obsession with the gymnasium.

"Yeah, should be in the next week, not long, I'm actually looking forward to starting school again, how pathetic is that?" She told him, slightly disgusted with herself.

He smiled broadly at her admission.

"Yes, I expect it's rather boring in here. Well, I can tell you that Sunnydale High is a good school at any rate and I'm sure you'll be fine. I know how you teenagers worry about fitting in…"

He trailed off when he caught sight of her stunned expression.

That wasn't what she'd expected. Sunnydale? She didn't live in Sunnydale.

But even as she tried to rationalise it, she knew it was pointless. It appeared that there was more to those 'memories' than she'd previously thought. The Giles thing could have been a fluke, or even slayer precognition but this was something much bigger.

"Is everything alright Ms Summers you look pale." He leaned toward her, looking concerned.

"Call me Buffy, you're my watcher. I, just, Sunnydale?" She asked. "I don't live in Sunnydale."

He looked at her, obviously puzzled before some realisation dawned.

"Oh dear, my apologies, perhaps I should not have divulged…"

She nodded but knew that it was now impossible to deny what was happening, and everything that she knew. The implications were terrifying.

"We're leaving LA, mom and me, aren't we?" She asked quietly,

He nodded in confirmation after only a little hesitation.

"I'm so sorry Buffy. I didn't realise that you didn't know." Giles looked mortified,

"It's okay really, it's not even a big shock. Them splitting up. I could see it coming, I just didn't want to relive it again." She spoke quietly, her eyes downcast, her feelings also very low.

When Buffy looked up Giles appeared confused once again. There was a serious need now to tell him about _everything,_ but she could see that the duty nurse across the room was becoming too interested in their animated conversation and was likely preparing to march across the room and declare that their time was up.

"I certainly didn't mean to upset you." He spoke gently, and Buffy smiled in response. Giles had always been so caring and protective. A painful lump grew in her throat when she recalled the state to which their relationship had deteriorated over those years. She swallowed it down.

"I know, don't worry Giles, like I said, I saw it coming." She repeated, trying not to dwell on such a painful memory.

"Oh, all right. I was also wondering if you could tell me how you knew my name?" He asked, clearly very intrigued.

Buffy didn't know how to begin, it was a longer conversation they could have at this juncture, so she opted for the easy way out.

"It's a really long story and I promise to tell you the whole thing when I get back…when I get to Sunnydale. Let's just say, I've seen some things." She finished mysteriously.

He didn't look entirely pleased with her answer, but he must also have realised they had little time remaining.

"Buffy, the reason I came to see you, other than to introduce myself was because something is going to happen. There are signs that point towards…"

"Let me guess, great unrest? Big Bad?" She provided, a mixture of certainty and resigned acceptance.

He nodded, obviously not too confused by her unique turn of phrase. She smiled inwardly.

"Yes, something is going to happen, soon, but if you are being released this week we should be in time. Though without recent training…"

"Oh, don't worry, they've let me use the gym here, supervised of course but I've been training. Apparently, they're great advocates of exercise as outlets for frustration and all kinds of issues."

He looked relieved.

"I'll be out soon and then we can work on finishing the Master." She told him cryptically.

Giles was clearly confused again, it was almost cute, and she felt immediately guilty, too much information too soon.

"It was good to meet you Buffy." He said then, in such typical Giles fashion that it was hard to resist the urge to hug him.

"You too, do us a favour? Research 'The Harvest' for us if you get the chance." Who was she kidding, he lived to read and reference ancient texts.

"The Harvest?" He asked again,

Buffy nodded, smiling impishly.

"You are being awfully mysterious Buffy." Giles accused, he must think she was a real conundrum alright.

Buffy shrugged, suddenly unconcerned,

"Yep, look it up. I promise to tell you everything once I get…there." It was difficult not to say home. "Like I said before, I've seen some things."

He nodded again and said a reluctant goodbye.

* * *

When Buffy had returned to her room she felt a good degree calmer. Her itch to get out of that place hadn't disappeared by any means. It was worse, considering all that she'd seen of those six years and knowing it could all be on the brink of happening for real this time, a slight shudder ran through her, the possibilities, opportunities, implications, they were enormous. Especially when you know about the bad things. The possibilities for change were in, 'Giles speak', staggering.

The desire to return to the real world burned through her, no longer simply a response to being held captive, it felt like there were a hundred thousand fires out there and Buffy needed to douse them all. The number one pressing issue of the harvest to deal with seemed to burn the brightest in her mind. She had never felt her calling this strongly before, it was an almost painful yearning to fight, and to set things right.

Maybe slayers had unknown psychic powers, it wasn't completely impossible, surely prophetic dreams were partially psychic in nature? Though they had never felt like a great advantage, horrifying had always been her overwhelming reaction.

And yes, all her knowledge could be helpful for the future, but it could also be dangerous. With that on her mind Buffy resolved to tell only Giles, he was the only one who truly needed to know anyway. And as much as she hoped that there were two individuals at Sunnydale High named Willow Rosenberg and Xander Harris, she had no desire to put them or anyone there in more danger than her calling or that horror attracting hellmouth would do as a matter of course.

Sometimes being sensible sucked harder than those damned vampires.

* * *

Thanks so much for the review, faves and followers!

Love feedback so if you have any thoughts I'm all ears, or eyes if we're being really specific.

B x


	3. Who, What, When, Where, Why

Disclaimer: Buffy et al does not belong to me, any dialogue from 'Welcome To The Hellmouth' also not mine. There are also a few words borrowed from 'Dead Mans Party', see if you can spot them :)

* * *

 **Who, What, When, Where, Why**

The next few days were slow, they were always going to feel that way, the desperate all-encompassing need to move, to act, to fight, was overwhelming. She was finally going, today. The minute Buffy was out of that place she felt a huge weight lift from her. The air felt cleaner and so did she.

Once they were home she calmly asked her parents what was going on, Buffy was grateful that they treated her like an adult and told her the truth about their break up. They swore that it wasn't her, that her behaviour and 'illness' hadn't had any bearing on the situation. She wanted to believe that, but it was difficult considering all that'd happened.

She had hated this part, she'd had to lie and sneak and keep secrets from them. And still, she couldn't tell them about her…extenuating circumstances.

Would it really cause more problems? Aside from thinking her insane that is. Or creating an unbearable living environment, her mother hadn't exactly embraced it when Buffy had been forced to confess…when Angel had tried to end the world.

Angel.

No.

Just stop, one step at a time.

She wasn't quite ready to face all of that, or him.

After they'd finally fessed up about the divorce, her Mom told her about Sunnydale and Buffy tried to feign surprise. Her mother had certainly expected more opposition. She may have also been a little wigged at Buffy's generally cooperative attitude, she would have been far from genial had she not had the 'vision'.

Buffy had already spent a lot of time trying to imagine ways she might prevent her mom's brain tumour and her dying. The horrible truth was, it was likely that nothing would be able to stop it and that feeling of helplessness pervaded her whole being.

There was nothing she could do to stop it. She would make the most of time with her mom, depressing though it was to think it, it was a necessity now, if there was nothing to be done. Buffy sure as hell wasn't going to take her presence for granted. She still had her, in this reality, and that was a gift. Even so she began to do some research on brain aneurysm.

Then there was the matter of Dawn, the other elephant in the room that she could not ignore.

There was no Dawn, not yet anyway.

It was hard to accept that she had no sister yet and probably wouldn't for another four years, if her theory was correct. Buffy wondered whether she would remember that Dawn wasn't her sister when the time came. Surely, the monks wouldn't take memories away, they would only add to them?

Buffy did not know, she didn't have the answers to so many things. But she could fall back on her diary, that would fill her in if she didn't remember.

She had started a new one and made sure to hide it well. If her mom went snooping in her room for anything weird she would only find the old regular one, and there was nothing weird in that. Buffy had also started writing in a slayer diary too, Giles would be proud. And hoped that three diaries were manageable on top of homework and training. She knew how to make things more complicated, three diaries and the need to find ingenious hiding places for two of them.

At least she would have somewhere to put all the jumbled thoughts instead of them running circles in her head. All the questions about the future and everything, there was too much, and she had to put it somewhere. Out of her mind and on paper seemed a good idea.

* * *

They moved the following week, and Buffy had no time to find Pike because her mom watched her like a hawk. All she could do without in-depth questioning was pack, which also made it difficult to get out and patrol. But she considered herself an expert on sneaking out and managed a few patrols and training sessions too.

Buffy was still looking forward to school, though a strange feeling seemed to have settled in her stomach, accompanied by continuing confusion concerning what she knew about the future and what, if anything she could do about it. She hoped that talking it over with Giles would ease some of that pressure.

Buffy woke up from a horror induced frenzy; a dream or rather, a nightmare to blame. She recalled those dreams, the master, the harvest, and everything else. She lay back on soft pillows, trying and failing to get back to sleep. It was 01:03 and with a sigh she gave in to the inevitable. Sleep was unlikely to come easily, and she might as well patrol, maybe that was why she couldn't sleep.

By the time she left the second cemetery she'd managed to dust three vampires and was on to the next. For that reason, she was more than a little puzzled to find that her feet had carried her to Sunnydale High School instead.

It was a strange kind of feeling to be stood before the original school building, with all the associative people and events during those years running through her mind; it looked exactly as she remembered, another item checked off the list. Buffy still wasn't sure if another nod to the affirmative was a good thing. How could she possibly deal with all the things she knew if even a small percentage turned out to be true?

She wondered if Giles was around, an all-nighter was always a possibility if he was deep in research mode.

But then her sensitive slayer hearing caught the sound of breaking glass that appeared to come from somewhere on school grounds. She was half way toward its origin when she recalled a crucial piece of information.

" _Gym was cancelled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker…. Some guy was stuffed in Ora's locker…. Totally dead, Way dead."_

Cordelia's voice echoed strangely in her head and she upped her walk to a run, realising it might already be too late. Buffy rounded the corner of the building and spotted broken glass from a science lab window. She pulled herself through it, landing on the floor inside with as little noise as possible. Peering through the classroom door, she heard voices close by and as stealthily as possible opened it and crept through. Hearing the all too familiar growl and accompanying face morph of a vampire as it bit someone, Buffy knew there was no time, she ran and pulled the blonde vamp off him where she was spun around and hit the wall as the guy fell to the floor, obviously dead.

Buffy cursed herself, here was the first victim of Buffy Summer's stupidity. She hadn't been quick enough; she hadn't remembered when she should have. So much for those diaries she was painstakingly adding to whenever she remembered something.

She faced the vamp ready to deal with it before her guilt trip could take a vice-like hold.

Until she realised who this vamp was, and guilt and all other rational thought swiftly flew from her mind.

Anger, hate, jealousy, burned within her along with all the other unappetising emotions this being provoked, and they rampaged through her veins as she faced Angel's sire, Angel's ex-lover.

"Darla." Buffy spat her name, not able to disguise the contempt from her tone while she flicked the stake around in her hand, ensuring that Darla would see it.

She looked at Buffy, clearly irritated that she'd not been able to finish her meal. Unfortunately, that small detail hadn't made any difference to the poor guy lying on the floor down there.

"Do I know you little girl?" She asked icily, her gaze taking in the defensive stance, and the furious expression Buffy was unable to contain.

"No, but I know you." Buffy replied, running out of patience and getting antsy, she needed to get this done.

Darla regarded her suspiciously, her line of sight now resting on the stake, she released a derisive laugh.

 _Huh she thinks it's that funny does she? She won't be laughing when she's blowing in the wind, Buffy thought savagely._

"Slayer."

Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Gee, what gave me away?"

Darla looked pissed and took a stance readying for a fight though her gaze flicked to each end of the corridor, she was obviously weighing up each one as a possible escape route.

"I don't think so bitch, like I'm going to let you run back to your master." Buffy told her,

"Very well then." She said confidently, her attention now solely focused on the slayer, while her expression clearly indicated that she did not want to fight, just as Buffy remembered Darla hadn't in the mausoleum.

She didn't want to fight a slayer.

A bit strange considering she was supposed to be a badass vamp, hundreds of years older than even Angel, but then it was Spike who had killed two slayers, not Darla.

Buffy punched her face a couple of times while she dodged all attempts to hit her back. A kick meant that Darla was now on the floor again, looking annoyed, a growing fear evident in her eyes.

"Not so chatty now, are you?" Buffy asked as Darla backed away still on the floor. "Nothing to say? I'm disappointed."

Buffy kicked her again though Darla managed to scramble back up. They exchanged more blows and kicks, Buffy retained the upper hand and Darla was faltering.

"I can't imagine anyone will miss you." Buffy stated a little breathless as she pounded her with a series of punches in very quick succession.

Buffy retrieved the stake from her sleeve and with a quick lunge forward it was embedded in Darla's chest cavity.

She smiled viciously, victorious.

Darla's face displayed complete disbelief before it and she was eradicated, a cloud of dust settled on the floor, and on Buffy, which she hastily brushed off. Ugh, Darla dust, not the kind of accessory she wanted to be wearing.

She froze as a voice called into the nearby classroom, had they said Darla?

Buffy glanced guiltily at the dead boy again but knew she couldn't do anything now, she couldn't even call the police, not wanting to implicate herself or become entangled with the Sunnydale police earlier than was necessary. She had to leave him, quickly scanning the area and grateful to find there were no security cameras in that corridor. She made a stealthy exit, briefly reflecting that the cleaners or a teacher would find him in the morning, he wouldn't fall out of a locker this time. All the while trying not to reflect on who he was and her inability to save him.

She made her way out via a different window and snuck up on the vampire clearly waiting for Darla by the broken one. He must have been young for her to have caught him unawares and she staked him quickly, this time remembering to save the stake, it was the only other one she'd brought along.

Buffy managed a good sweep of one more cemetery and killed another vamp before deciding enough was enough and heading home. She didn't give much thought to her dusting of Darla, wondering about Angel instead, particularly as she had a strong sense that he had been following her since that last cemetery.

Would he regret her killing Darla? Had he wanted to do it himself?

Well, it was too late now, there was one less vamp in town and as far as Buffy was concerned that was all good. She turned her attention back to the proficient stalker that she'd acquired about ten minutes before.

She stopped walking and half-turned around, glancing back up the street; the faint sound of his footsteps stopped. She stared into the inky black lamppost-less area, how helpful and not particularly safe for the average person.

Deciding it would be easier to meet him the next night she began walking again at the same pace. He followed her all the way home.

She climbed through the window into her bedroom, setting her other foot down as gently as possible, and finally, she felt like she could sleep. Several thoughts flitted through her head, she hadn't saved that boy tonight; how many more like him would there be? How many things would she be able to change, if any, even with her inexplicable knowledge?

Her life was strange enough before all of this, being the slayer had given her a monopoly on the feeling, but this was even weirder. Like some science fiction crap, only this was disturbingly real.

* * *

"Buffy!"

She heard the call through a hazy fog and with gratitude clawed her way out of the dreamscape where a nasty demon was running rampage through her mind.

"I'm up!" She replied,

"Buffy! You don't want be to be late for your first day of school." Her mom called back,

"No, wouldn't want to do that." Buffy said to herself, sitting up in bed, suddenly experiencing a very strong sense of deja vu.

When they arrived at school her Mom was full of platitudes about making friends. Yeah, Buffy liked the idea of making friends, but it was fraught with complications and concerns. This precognition was no walk in the park and being the friend of a slayer was no picnic anyway.

She sighed and got out of the car.

"And honey?" Her mother prodded,

Buffy turned around,

"Try not to get kicked out of school." She asked, a gentle plea and a loving expression on her face.

Buffy nodded,

"I'll try mom."

She would try her hardest not to let history repeat itself, those words holding more than one meaning.

She figured that there was no spare time to visit Giles, the meeting with Principal Flutie loomed over her head. Buffy sat there while he talked about a clean slate and she attempted to work out how to stop those possessed hyena kids from eating him, he had been a good guy, and it would be a great bonus to be spared that nasty bigoted rodent man known as Principal Snyder. She recalled the meeting word for word.

"…Not even if it says…err." He became distracted by her transcripts.

Oh no not good.

"Principal Flutie…" She began to say,

"All the kids here are free to call me Bob." He replied in a friendly voice,

"Bob." Buffy said, unable to stop herself from the faux pas, as it slipped out involuntarily.

"But they don't." He continued,

"I know that my transcripts are a little colourful."

"Hey, we aren't caring about that, are you sure colourful is the right word, not abysmal?"

"Well…" There wasn't much she could say to that. She couldn't deny it, they were abysmal.

"You burned down the gym." He said whilst busy taping it back together.

"I really did but that's really not the big picture, that gym was full of…asbestos?" She told him not able to think of something better this time.

When she was dismissed she left and immediately bumped into someone, dropping the contents of her bag all over the floor. It was very hard not to be completely taken over by the strongest feeling of déjà vu yet, particularly when she found that one very familiar looking boy had bent down to help her.

"Can I have you?" He asked, his goofy smile accompanying his goofy slip-up.

"Can I help you?" He corrected himself,

Buffy couldn't help but smile in return; she'd forgotten just how sweet he'd been when they'd met.

Except it had never happened.

It was too weird to think about. She remembered six years of her life in Sunnydale but had not really _lived_ them.

"Thanks." She replied as they picked up a few bits.

"I don't know you, do I?" He asked, clearly very interested,

"I'm Buffy, I'm new."

"Xander is me, hi." He shared, smiling deeply,

Oh Xander, _it is_ you.

"Thanks."

"Well, maybe I'll see you around. Maybe at school, since we both go there." He told her, looking cute as he babbled nervously.

"Great it was nice to meet you." Buffy told him, desperate to say more but she held her tongue.

She couldn't do it.

After history class she couldn't help but get caught up in Cordelia's self-involved orientation around the school. When they reached the water fountain to find Willow, Buffy jumped in just as Cordelia finished her 'once you can identify all your losers by sight' ramble.

"Yeah and you know what Cordelia, I'm looking at one right now, I think I'd much rather have real friends and if you don't mind I'd like to talk to Willow for a moment."

And with that she steered Willow away, leaving Cordelia with a stunned expression on her oh so perfect face.

Well that's all well and good but what about keeping them safe?

"How did you know my name?" Willow asked, breaking through those difficult thoughts.

"I have my sources." Buffy smiled enigmatically; yep this was her Willow. "You don't mind if I hang with you?"

Willow shook her head smiling uncertainly.

"I heard that you were the person to talk to, to help get me caught up." Buffy admitted,

Willow's whole demeanour altered from shy to confident in two seconds.

"I can totally help you with that, we could meet in the library after school's finished." She suggested,

Buffy was not sure about that. On one hand she was desperate to get on with her life, have Willow and Xander share her secret just as she remembered but she had this overwhelming urge to protect them.

But how could she be sure they were safer not knowing?

It was a fair question. Not knowing certain things in Sunnydale could get you killed. Knowledge was power.

"Yeah we can do that." She relented,

Willow went to her next class and Buffy decided to see Giles, to try and explain and talk about The Harvest. At least she had a free period and wasn't skipping class on the first day. She also needed that history textbook and it provided a good excuse. Not that anyone would be in trouble for visiting the library.

Buffy opened the double doors and stopped to take it in. It looked the way she remembered, exactly, down to the furniture and cage in the corner. It was so hard to believe that she'd never really been there.

Walking over to the counter she noted the same newspaper story was circled. She turned to walk towards Giles' office only to practically collide with him in the process.

"Miss Summers, hello again."

"Yeah, hi, didn't we do the whole you can call me Buffy thing? Anyway, I thought I best explain about the thing I told you when we met. Also, did you research the demon that poisoned me and the Harvest?" She reeled off quickly, keeping her voice low.

"Well, I would like an explanation as to how you know certain things and yes I have researched that demon as you call it and the Harvest, I'm not quite finished but I think I have got the gist."

"Good, shall we have a talk now? I've got to warn you, you may think that what I'm telling you is slightly insane. Like maybe I should back in that place..." She sat down at the table, like she'd always been doing it.

"Go on, let me be the judge of whether it is insane or not."

"Okay here goes… when I was poisoned, and, in the clinic, I experienced some sort of psychic premonition. The doctors thought they were hallucinations, but during that time I experienced six years' worth of my life from 1996 onwards." Buffy blurted it out and waited for his reaction.

He leaned forward with an incomprehensible expression on his face. She couldn't really tell what he was thinking. Did he think she was crackers or maybe she was lying?

"Are you saying you think you have seen the future?" He asked finally after several long moments.

"Yes, and I don't think it, I lived it, so much so that when I got better I thought I'd been in there for six years."

"You lived it? Am I to understand that you think,"

She gave him a look, so he corrected himself quickly,

"Am I to understand that you have effectively lived the next six years and that is how you knew me, and about the Harvest." He questioned,

She nodded,

"Yes. Though some things are slightly different. I would have met you for the first time just now if it hadn't been for that stupid demon. But then if I hadn't been poisoned I wouldn't have known that and we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Yes." He agreed, obviously deep in thought. He sat there quietly for several minutes while Buffy wondered how long it was going to be before he started asking her questions she wouldn't have the answers to.

"Giles." She said finally, waving her hand in front of his eyes instead of waiting for him to emerge from thinking mode that could last until Willow came to meet her. He looked up a little surprised.

"Oh, my apologies."

"It's a lot to think about huh?" She asked, watching him closely, hoping he would have some incredible insight, be the all knowing all wise Watcher that she needed him to be. She had felt a little lost without anyone to talk to.

"Yes, yes it is. We should talk about this in detail."

"Can't we talk now?"

"Well, yes we must but there is also The Harvest to consider."

"Yeah, I know, I remember, and I stopped it, so I don't see why I can't do the same now."

"You stopped it?" He asked,

"Well, technically not yet but I will, there's so many things happening, that are going to happen that my brain is fried, I need to unload at least some of it." She admitted,

Giles nodded, he seemed to understand.

"Of course, it must be rather, overwhelming, to know what is going to happen, if indeed that's what it is." He commented, his continued scepticism showing through.

"It is what it is Giles! Slayers have precognitive dreams right, that poison, could have caused a full-blown psychic vision." She replied, feeling frustrated at his understandable disbelief.

He considered her words for a moment.

"You are right Buffy, it is plausible. The matter at hand however, is The Harvest."

She rolled her eyes at his preoccupation, unable to restrain herself, here she was trying to talk to her Watcher about these serious issues and all he could focus on was the Harvest.

"I'm not the Slayer out of choice you know, you Watchers owe me for agreeing to continue when all it's got me is trouble." She huffed, annoyed, and immediately very self-conscious of the quick to anger emotions that were ruling her body, fuelled by all those stupid teenage hormones.

Ugh. Oh well too late now.

"We owe you?" He asked, astonished.

"To date being the Slayer has gotten me in nothing but trouble. I got kicked out of school, lost my friends, saw my Watcher get killed. I spend all my time fighting for my life and can't tell anyone, and not only do my parent's think I am trouble, they think I'm crazy too, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm not my callings biggest fan. The only reason I'm even talking to you is because I know things that are going to happen, and they aren't good."

This was only partially true anymore, the urge to fight, the almost physical sensation of her calling was growing all the time, but he didn't need to know that right now.

Giles didn't look pleased and in return Buffy's current mood meant that she didn't care.

"It is your duty." He intoned solemnly.

"Yeah." She snorted in disgust, those six years' worth of memories meant nothing in relation to her current mood.

It was exactly how she recalled that first day at Sunnydale, so pissed off at Giles for forcing Slayer duty above all else.

She breathed in and out slowly, centring and anchoring her emotional response. No matter how resentful she had felt, Buffy had regained focus and perspective as she was attempting to do right now.

It was a strange feeling, and she was angry, but they were the old issues, or they felt like old issues, ones she had moved past long ago. She was directing it in the wrong place, it wasn't Giles' fault and guilt took over.

"It is your duty." He repeated, and she knew what was coming next. "You are the Slayer…."

"Oh, yes, this is a good bit, I am the Slayer, one girl in all the world, the chosen one, one girl born with the strength and skill to fight the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil, yadda yadda, I've heard it already, several times, that includes from you." She smiled such a brilliant smile then, trying to atone for her misdirected anger, the ever-mercurial temperament of a teenager at work.

He looked shell-shocked, not used to dealing with a teenage girl and not sure how to respond.

"Giles, I don't mind dealing with The Harvest, but there are other things, worse things that are coming." Buffy tried to stress the importance.

"Very well." He allowed, already weary.

"Look, Giles, I've got a class now, oh I forgot that History book, of course I did, I'll get it later." She got up and headed for the door.

"You are coming back yes?" He asked quickly,

Buffy turned and smiled, feeling calm once more.

"Yeah, I'm meeting Willow after school for some catch up, we'll talk."

"I do realise the seriousness of what you are saying Buffy." He continued gently, his soft expression warming her heart. She paused,

"Yeah okay, I know you need to think about it, maybe consult some books, I'm sorry for earlier, I'm not mad at you." She apologised, sincerely wishing for their close relationship to spring up out of nowhere.

He smiled in return.

"We will talk later then, though obviously not with Willow around."

And there it was, and all the associated implication, the slayer must work alone, your identity must be kept a secret ad infinitum. How come it was always her and yet Kendra's family, her people knew all about it, _they_ took it so seriously she went to live with her watcher when she was a …Kendra! Now that was another can of worms.

Buffy was less than keen to play right into the master's hands, into the trap he was planning and get killed, if she managed to avoid that and the apocalypse then Kendra wouldn't be called. How the hell do you stop something that is prophesied and besides that stop a being who you can't take the fight to lest you set him free for said prophesy?! How again?

"Will you be patrolling?" Giles' voice filtered through her confused and melancholy reflection.

"Maybe. I'm going to check out the Bronze, that's where The Harvest goes down." Buffy said, the lie slipping out far too easily. It really was best to let him come to his own conclusion, that her whole evening was to be spent on slayer business.

She was vaguely aware that lying to Giles wasn't a good beginning, but she was damned if she was going to let an opportunity for fun pass her by. Particularly when her whole life had flashed before her, she was a hell of a lot more aware of the dangers around her and that her calling was calling her to care, and to fight with such ferocity. That was completely new.

"Very good." He approved,

"Can you please not tell the Council about this?" She asked suddenly, very aware that they weren't to be trusted and could easily want to poke and prod her and who knew what else. Oh, the conversation with him about the cruciatum would be interesting!

His eyes found hers, his gaze sharp, he furrowed his brows briefly, looking slightly puzzled.

"I just don't want them knowing about it right now, we have enough to deal with." Or ever, she finished in aside to herself.

He nodded, conceding.

Buffy had to run, that class would be starting. But she smiled secretively, knowing she could tell him something that would please him.

"I really gotta go now! But Giles, you might be interested to know that I staked Darla last night." And with that she sprinted out of the doors, leaving him stood there with another surprised expression on his face. She wondered how long it would be before he went to write it down in his Watcher diary.

* * *

Shortly after Buffy had left and Mr Giles was absorbed with various books in his office, Xander Harris was finally able to shift from his position behind the book shelves to gawk at the now deserted library.

"What?!" He exclaimed in amused disbelief. He might just be losing his mind, strike that, it wasn't him, more likely that new British librarian and the cute new girl had lost theirs, yes that was it. Though as he thought it, a strange something niggled at the back of his mind, well, there was one way to know for definite.

* * *

Ooooooo!

Questions? Comments? Any feedback would be wonderful!

B x


	4. Angel, The Harvest and Other Issues

Once again I must admit with some sadness that I do not own Buffy or any such creations, a little dialogue borrowed from 'Welcome to the Hellmouth' and 'The Harvest' obviously isn't mine.

* * *

 **Angel, the Harvest and Other Issues**

* * *

The remainder of that first day was uneventful. Buffy had no problem finding her way around, which was good, and supremely weird considering she'd never set foot in the place before. School wasn't the worst problem at present. It was already apparent that Cordelia had told various people about her, no doubt as retaliation to her dismissal of Queen C and Buffy was already being classed as a 'loser'.

At this point she didn't care, even the illusion of six years of growth and experience appeared to have left an impression and the ability to brush off such immature nonsense was one of those things.

When she and Willow headed to the library for some studying, she was in a surprisingly good mood. Giles was standing at the counter, clearly engrossed in one of his Time Life series volumes on creatures of the night, vampire, werewolf, who knows, though considering their current prophesy concerning the Harvest, it was more than likely to be vampire related.

He glanced up as they approached the table and set their books down.

"Hello Willow, Buffy, are you looking for some books?" Giles asked in a completely neutral tone, a natural actor then, Buffy wasn't sure she'd ever realised that about him.

Willow looked at him, slightly taken aback,

"Do you know Buffy Mr Giles?" She asked, clearly curious because Buffy was the 'new girl'.

"Yes, we met earlier, didn't we Buffy?" He asked mildly,

Buffy was impressed with his dissembling skills.

"Oh, yeah, I was looking for a history textbook, but I didn't have a chance to get it." Buffy explained, Willow nodded as she accepted the reason.

"What would you like to go over first?" Willow asked taking out some books from her bag as they approached the table in the centre of the room. Buffy tried not to think about the hellmouth directly beneath them.

The study session went well, and Willow and Buffy got to know each other a little better, which was comforting amidst everything else that was going on.

She told Willow she'd see her at The Bronze and Giles turned to her after Willow had left.

"I'm pleased that you're taking your normal studies so seriously."

Buffy smiled feeling self-satisfied,

"Well, they are important, and when I'm paying attention, studying really isn't that bad, or difficult." She admitted,

"Quite, very good, now we need to discuss the Harvest. You are aware of the specifics I assume?"

"Yep, Sunnydale is on a Hellmouth and there's a big bad old vampire trapped between the earth and a demon dimension from when he tried to open it in 1938 or whenever it was, but it caused an earthquake instead and he was trapped inside. The Harvest is a ritual for him to become powerful enough to break free."

Giles smile was tempered by his obvious surprise.

"You have a remarkable memory for a girl who saw an entire six years in just two weeks."

Buffy shrugged,

"I guess so, I don't remember everything, but I'm hoping I know enough,"

Giles watched her curiously for several seconds before he spoke again.

"Once this Harvest is taken care of, we must have that talk."

She nodded, though unsure if she was looking forward to that, Buffy knew it was necessary, but it wasn't going to be fun. How was it going to feel to recount all those events to her Watcher, the best and worst of every decision she might make? Many of which had hurt their close relationship and isolated the other to an intolerable degree.

She almost snorted out loud, so help her, she was beginning to sound like him.

"You are going to The Bronze correct? Well then I suggest you remain on the lookout for vampires and any odd activities, though I know the Harvest is tomorrow they may be making some preparations." He advised,

"You're right, they will be. I need to watch out for several, and make sure I pay attention this time." She said, mostly talking to herself, she could feel Giles gaze.

"Buffy is something bothering you? What do you know?" He asked, far too intuitive, he knew there was something; she had a terrible poker face, looking back up at him she considered all of it.

"It's Jesse, I need to save Jesse."

"Jesse? Is that Willow and Xander's friend?" He asked, concerned,

"Yes." Her voice sounded small to her ears, "Yes," She repeated, this time more determined and when she looked at Giles again he seemed to understand the seriousness of her statement and the implication.

"I better go." Buffy told him, gathering her bag and books.

"Be careful Buffy." Giles called after her and she smiled in acknowledgment before leaving the library and attempting to put a plan in place.

* * *

There was that vamp that Willow talked to and Jesse, he'd talked to Darla, but Buffy had staked her. She would need to watch out for them, hone as Giles might have said.

And then there was Angel who she knew would be a whole other ball game, a conversation she wasn't ready for but her potential friends came first.

It wasn't long after she'd left the house that she became aware of Angel's presence as he followed her, can anyone say stalker?

He wants to be treated as a non-biting variety vampire? Well, perhaps he should be employing some different meet and greet tactics and not behave like a garden variety stalker. She made her way down an alley, hoping to catch him.

He slipped into the alley completely unaware, but was he unaware?

She pondered this while holding herself upside down on the pipe. He's a vampire, hello, they have that icky smelling people thing going on, don't they?

Regardless, she swung down and kicked the back of his head, he landed in the dirt and she flipped down and wedged her foot on his neck.

He sure looked yummy in that shirt; oh boy, was there no hope for her. She knew it could never happen and yet here he was, dark, gorgeous, annoying; smirking up at her like he knew something she didn't know, sure smug bastard, let's see, shall we?

"Is there a problem ma'am?" He said, laughing slightly.

A problem, you could say that.

"Yeah, there's a problem, why are you following me? Stalking is an offence you know, but then you guys don't much care for the law do you?"

Oh, this was fun!

"I know what you're thinking," He told her.

She very much doubted that.

"But don't worry, I don't bite."

He lies. Is that really the way to open the slayer – vampire with a soul, business relations? No thoughts of any other relations for obvious reasons.

She smiled but didn't move her foot.

"Riiiiight," She said in reply, dragging out the word for effectiveness "Is that what you say to all the girls?"

The smile was not back, and he now looked unsure.

Buffy smiled again,

"Oh, don't worry yourself; I don't think I'll be using this," She swung her stake around carelessly, "At least, not right now anyway."

She removed her foot and he got up, brushing himself off, casting furtive glances in her direction, obviously still trying to work it out.

"What's the matter, vamp got your tongue? Huh, that isn't right is it, ugh; need to work on my puns." She chastised herself, almost giddy with power.

After composing himself, Angel tried to regain his previously cool exterior.

"The truth is I thought you'd be taller, bigger muscles or something, you're pretty spry though." He said, rubbing his neck like it still hurt him.

Another lie. Maybe he should have therapy.

She tried not to giggle, vampire therapy.

"Yeah, look, what do you want?" She asked, playing along a little longer.

"Same thing you do." He replied mysteriously.

"Okay, what do I want?" She smiled, unable to stop herself; boy was he in for a surprise.

He stepped towards her then, more creepy déjà vu type feelings rushed through her.

"To kill 'em, to kill 'em all."

She pretended to think for a moment.

"Them?" She asked, "Maybe, but wouldn't that include you?"

He looked unsure of her again, like he wasn't sure whether to admit to this or not.

"Don't turn your back on this, the Harvest is coming." He says this like the last few minutes never happened.

She wondered if she'd scared him.

"Gee, can you vague that up for me?" Buffy asked sarcastically, putting the stake in her jacket and preening inwardly that she'd managed to include a classic Buffy-ism she'd loved but had been completely lost on Giles at some point.

"You've got to be ready." He told her as he threw a small box over which she deftly caught, reflecting on the likely contents.

"I wouldn't worry yourself Angel, I will be ready." She told him and turned to walk away. She could almost hear the gears within his mind working overtime.

She had only walked a few paces to the end of the alleyway when he spoke again.

"You know me?" He asked, clearly beyond curious now.

Buffy turned again, half a smile gracing her features, but it wasn't a happy one.

"I thought that was obvious."

He said nothing,

"You know me, I know you; we're even at this point so let's just leave it for now, after all, I've got the Harvest to stop."

He nodded almost imperceptibly, and she turned again,

"Try to keep out of trouble, I think you're the only vampire who wouldn't be better off as a pile of dust. See ya around Angel."

She walked determinedly towards the Bronze, pausing briefly to open the box. The silver cross that nestled inside seemed to say more than words could, and the additional physical confirmation hung heavy around her neck when she placed it there.

* * *

Willow was sitting at the bar when Buffy found her. Of course she was.

"Hey Willow!"

She turned and smiled.

"Oh hi Buffy! You okay?" She asked looking concerned while Buffy returned the look as one of confusion.

"Yeah, I'm fine"

Willow looked around at the crowd, and Buffy smiled,

"You looking for Xander by any chance?"

"Yeah, he usually meets me here." Willow replied smiling, "But we're just good friends, we're not dating or anything." She added quickly after seeing Buffy smile.

"We used to, go out, but we broke up." Willow told her.

"Really, what happened?" Buffy asked, smiling a little, she remembered this story.

"He stole my Barbie."

"Huh?" Buffy replied whilst dealing with another familiar feeling, maybe she would discover a new illness, déjà-vu-itis.

"We were five." Willow explained as Buffy managed to look confused and enlightened while she sipped her drink. "I don't actually date a whole lot lately." Willow admitted,

"Why not?" Buffy asked, more dissembling.

"Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool or witty or at all, I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away." She sounded matter a fact about it, but it was still a little sad.

"It's not that bad." Buffy encouraged, hoping to coax some confidence out of the girl.

"It is, I think guys are more interested in a girl who can talk."

"You really haven't been dating lately." Buffy told her, thinking how cynical she already was at the tender age of sixteen.

"It's probably easy for you."

"Oh yeah; really easy." Buffy grudgingly agreed, not feeling it, only regretting her involvements to date and trying not to think on future ones that were doomed from beginning to end.

"I mean, you don't seem too shy."

"Well, my philosophy, do you want to hear my philosophy?" Oh why, why was she going down this road again?

"I do." Willow replied in earnest.

"Life is short."

"Life is short." Willow repeated nodding her head.

"Not original I'll grant you but it's true, you have to seize the moment because tomorrow you might be dead." This was a bad idea, she should have picked a different philosophy.

"That's nice," Willow paused, not sure what to say now,

"Yeah, just don't go seizing the moment with complete strangers okay? You never know what they're really like, or after for that matter."

Willow nodded again,

"I understand, especially round here, did you know that Sunnydale has the highest percentage of violent or unexplained deaths in California?"

Buffy tried to look surprised.

"It does? Not in America then?" She asked her.

Willow produced a grim smile.

"Well, almost, there are a few other places that are as high as or higher than Sunnydale, like New York for example." Willow told her,

"Wow," That is horrible, and for a moment Buffy found it hard to concentrate.

"Yeah,"

"So, everyone hangs here huh?" Buffy asked after her quiet moment of contemplation; the badness that abounded around the world.

Willow nodded,

"Yeah, I think I saw Jesse somewhere, he's probably near Cordelia, wherever she might be."

"He got a crush?"

"Big time, poor Jesse, he keeps on liking her even when she's nasty to him."

"Well, maybe we can bring him to his senses? Get his mind off Cordelia somehow." Buffy looked around for any sign of Jesse but found none.

"That's a good idea," Willow said as she began looking around as well. "Or it would be if he was here." She continued.

"Are you sure?" Buffy asked, growing more and more concerned for him.

"Pretty sure, Cordelia's over there," Willow pointed out Cordelia sitting at a table surrounded by her minions. "Jesse would be within ogling distance of her, and, well, I just don't see him, do you?"

"No." Damn it, she was right, Jesse wasn't here anymore, if he had ever been here that is.

Buffy needed to find him and fast.

"Hey Willow, I'm just going to the bathroom, you wait here okay, I'll be back in a sec."

"You don't have to come back," She told Buffy in her sweet unconfident voice.

This was the same Willow who could end up with a seriously bad addiction to magic someday? It seemed so unbelievable.

"I'll be back." Buffy assured her as she turned to look for Jesse.

There was no sign of him, Buffy couldn't find him, and her heart grew heavier by the second, a sickness settling heavily in her stomach. Deciding to collect Willow so that she at least was safe Buffy turned, bumping into Xander who had just arrived.

"Xander, hey, you seen Jesse at all?" She asked, now beginning to panic.

"I think I saw him go off somewhere," He replied, not at all concerned for his friend's whereabouts.

"You did, was he with anyone?"

Xander gave her an odd look before answering,

"Yeah, some pretty brown-haired chick, I'm giving him major kudos for this; usually he's stood within drooling distance of Cordelia."

"Yeah, there won't be any kudos if he's dead." Buffy muttered to herself, weighing up the options, go back to the library or go find Jesse with Xander and Willow tagging along. Neither was particularly attractive.

"Right, because what, the girl he went off with might be a vampire and then you'd have to slay her?" He asked, half joking, looking at her like she had two heads.

She looked back at Xander who had a strange smile on his face.

How had he known? And then it came to her.

"You heard us in the library, didn't you?" She asked, sighing in defeat.

"Yeah, I heard you and that weird British guy talking crazy."

"That I'm the slayer, right?"

"I heard that you think you're a slayer and that both of you should probably have some serious therapy and possibly medication." He told her,

"I am the slayer Xander. But I can't debate the issue right now, we have to get Willow and find Jesse somehow, before it's too late." She muttered the ominous cliché at the end as she dragged him towards Willow who was blessedly still sitting where Buffy had left her earlier.

* * *

10 minutes later they had walked in the general direction Xander had mentioned and had found nothing, a cemetery was, of course, in this area so Buffy resolved to do a quick sweep of it, including the mausoleum which seemed way too familiar and she had to do this while making sure Xander and Willow didn't end up as the master's midnight snack, fun times.

No sooner had they come within hearing distance of the mausoleum, they were surrounded by three vamps, three fashionably challenged vamps at that. When one tried to grab Willow, Buffy punched him and let a quick roundhouse kick do the rest, dusting him before the others could look appropriately disturbed, but the vamps didn't seem too bright and were eager to attack again. Buffy thought she'd try to distract this time while she considered the chances of others joining this party,

"Where's Jesse?" She asked savagely,

The first one sneered at them.

"Oh, was that his name, I'm afraid it's a little late for that he's already been and gone, gone forever that is!"

"Yeah he's dead." The second one added needlessly, this one, a girl, was about as empty headed as she could be.

"I just covered the whole dead bit you dumb bitch!" The other one yelled at her.

"Fine, if that's the way you want it." Dumb vamp told him and turned, striding off into the dark leaving butt face behind.

"Oh, dear, looks like you had a tiff, oh just as well, you'll be dead in twenty seconds." And before he could manage some lame ass reply, Buffy slammed him with several kicks and blows to his head before her stake collected its second dusting of the night.

"Oh god! What was that Buffy? Jesse can't be dead, he just can't be, right?" Xander asked looking ill,

"Dead? That couldn't have been a vampire, could it, I mean they don't exist." Willow said quietly, looking worse than Xander.

"I'll explain when we get back; right now, we need to get out here, fast." Buffy told them, heading towards the school.

* * *

Her heart was heavy; Jesse was gone, she'd known it was going to happen but still hadn't been able to save him.

Was there anything she would be able to change, beyond her own choices, even then her decision to look for Jesse had made not one bit of difference. She'd been too preoccupied by other things, other friends, keeping them safe, and Angel.

Giles was saying something, something about demons on earth eons ago or something, she wasn't really listening. All she could see was Jesse's face and all she could think was that she had failed to save him. She'd known he was going to die and still hadn't saved him.

She'd known…. she'd known…

"Buffy!" Giles voice shook her out of that depressing reverie,

"Sorry Giles, what was that?" He looked at her for a second, apparently hesitant as to whether to ask if she was ok, he was making the face.

"I was saying that before man…"

"…. demons walked the earth, made it their hell, but in time they lost their hold and that's when humans came, right?" Buffy provided.

He nodded and continued for Xander and Willow's benefit.

"Yes, what remains of these are certain magic's, certain creatures,"

"And vampires." Buffy said as he did.

Xander looked agitated while Willow looked vaguely sick.

"Okay, this is where I have a problem, because we're now talking about vampires; we are having a talk with vampires in it." Xander complained,

"Isn't that what we saw?" Willow asked, her voice quavering slightly.

"Yes, they were, as much as you can try to justify or explain them away as something else, they were vampires, believe me, I had trouble with it in the beginning, trouble believing, ya know, after I was done with the screaming part. I'm sorry you guys." Might as well tell it to them straight, brutal but necessary, in a way.

"I need to sit down." Willow replied

"You are sat down." Buffy replied, any deeper comfort would have to wait.

"Oh, good for me" She took a deep breath.

"And vampires are demons?" Xander looked between them for conformation.

"The books tell that the last demon to leave this reality fed off a human, mixed their blood. He was a human form possessed – infected – by the demon's soul. He bit another and another and so they walk the earth, feeding, killing some, mixing their blood with others to make more of their kind; waiting for the animals to die out and the old ones to return."

"This is not good; how could we not know this?" Willow asked, her voice a mixture of disbelief and terror.

"People no longer believe, there isn't enough evidence for them and they would rather be blind to it. But there are those who know, who fight against them; including the slayer and those sworn to protect her."

He glanced at Buffy, but she felt too sick to care, disgusted with herself that she hadn't saved Jesse.

"And that would be what? Buffy?" Xander asked also glancing at her, "But she's a girl…"

This she did take issue with, giving Xander a withering glance, but it was hardly a surprising reaction, their society still did not put both sexes on an equal footing and women around the world experienced even less equality.

"I suggest you re-think that ridiculous sexist and chauvinistic attitude right now," Buffy told him coolly, which seemed to work, he shut his mouth and sat down.

Giles glanced at Buffy, distracted but amused.

"As long as there have been vampires, there has been a slayer. One girl in all the world, the chosen one…"

Buffy had to smile slightly; this was just _so_ Giles,

"He loves doing this part." She told them, smiling wickedly.

Giles looked less amused, now the object of fun and Buffy felt instant guilt.

"Alright, the slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is the slayer, don't tell anyone, I think that is sufficient information." He said closing his book and looking a bit annoyed.

"Except for one thing, how do we kill them?" Xander asked, obviously desperate to avenge Jesse.

Buffy just wished there wasn't any need for avenging his death in the first place, what should she have done differently?

"You don't, I do."

"But Jesse…"

"Jesse is gone Xander." She told him, a little too harshly, while an errant tear escaped out of her eye. "Besides he was my responsibility."

"That's not true…"

"If you hadn't showed up, they would have taken us too, killed us…does anybody mind if I pass out?" Willow said quietly, looking even paler.

"Breathe." Buffy provided

"Breathe," Willow repeated.

Repeated, repeat, repeat. It felt like a rerun with a sick sense of humour.

"This is probably a dumb question, but shouldn't we call the police?" Poor Willow asked next.

"And they'd believe us of course." Giles provided sarcastically.

"We don't have to say vampires. We could say there was a bad man." She suggested quietly, knowing it was pointless but voicing the thought out loud nonetheless.

"They couldn't handle it if they did come. They'd only show up with guns." Buffy explained.

"We have a pressing problem on our hands." Giles said, speaking directly to Buffy.

"The Harvest, crap, but isn't that tonight?"

He nodded,

"Yes, it is, from what I have gathered."

"What's the harvest?" Xander asked, looking from Giles to Buffy and back again.

Giles was clearly hesitant to tell them.

"You might as well Giles, I don't think they're just gonna go back to class and pretend all this didn't happen." Buffy declared, it was the truth.

"Very well, we have…discovered that a ritual is to take place tonight, it is called the harvest."

"The short version is it's a ritual to free a very old and powerful vampire and to restore him to full strength."

"Yes, thank you Buffy, the long version, as you would put it began some sixty years ago…"

Buffy resisted the urge to roll her eyes, and kept quiet, she wasn't all-knowing after all and figured Xander and Willow deserved to know. Though it may not be terribly clever, it could be that certain knowledge had kept them alive over the years.

Knowledge is power. Repeat.

The mantra helped, a little.

"…. when a very old and very powerful vampire came to this land, not just to feed, but because this town is a mystical convergence. The Spanish settlers called it Boca Del Inferno, roughly translated as Hellmouth, a sort of portal from this reality to the next. This vampire hoped to open it, hoped to let the demons have the earth, but it didn't work. He caused an earthquake that swallowed half the town and him with it. Odds are he got himself stuck, opening dimensional portals being a rather tricky business."

"And the Harvest is to get him out?" Xander asked, looking more horrified by the minute.

"It is; it comes once a century, on this night. The Master will draw power from one of his minions while it feeds. The minion is called the vessel and bears this symbol." Giles said, ending in his drawing a three-pointed star like symbol on the board.

"I need to dust the vessel." Buffy told them, Giles nodded,

"Where do you suppose this is going to happen?" Giles asked, looking straight at her and giving a pointedly pointed look.

"The Bronze," She answered with no hesitation,

"Are you sure?" Willow wondered looking between the two of them and back again.

Buffy wondered if the undertone was showing itself.

"I'm sure. Need to do a little planning, and I'll need to make a stop for supplies, my mom is so not gonna be cool with this." Buffy groaned, oh well, she'd have to make amends later, she needed to stop the harvest now.

* * *

They made plans and backup plans between a few classes, not that anyone of them was concentrating, but missing classes on the second day of school was not going to go down too well.

Buffy's mom was uncharacteristically chilled out about her going out, she wasn't thrilled about it, but it was probably partly relief, she was relieved Buffy seemed happy, was settling and making friends.

The harvest went down nearly exactly as she remembered.

Luke was the vessel, he had the Bronze locked up tight, but not well enough and it was over quickly without any more unnecessary deaths. What was different was that Jesse wasn't there, he was dead by this point this time and Xander at least didn't have to stake him. Not that that was the best of best things.

Buffy guessed, very depressingly, that it was one less hurt Xander was going to endure because of vampires, this town, and of course, her. Not that she was feeling sorry for herself. Or maybe she was, she certainly had a special monopoly on that.

Buffy was sat in the library, after persuading both Xander and Willow that they needed to go home and sleep. There was no way she was going sleep yet; too many thoughts were going around her head, too many bad thoughts. Primarily Jesse and what it meant for the future, and she felt so, tired. She knew too much, knew she'd have to share it or else really go crazy this time.

"Buffy." Giles said quietly, sitting down himself and passing her a cup of tea. He regarded her, and her current unspoken mood. "You cannot blame yourself Buffy."

Well he'd hit the nail right on the head there.

"I can very easily Giles. I knew; I knew it would happen and I didn't stop it. I thought maybe after I'd killed Darla that would be enough to stop..."

"Buffy," He interrupted looking very stern but compassionate too, "You tried, you tried to save him and that has to be enough. It's terrible that he died, yes, but you cannot dwell on whether you could or could not have saved him. You tried to save him Buffy, you did your best."

"Did I?" She looked up, her face showing eyes full of unshed tears and the desperate tone of her question reflected in her expression.

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but vampires are neither merciful nor understanding. They plough onward leaving destruction and death in their wake and it's us that is left to deal with it, with the death, because that is inevitable." He spoke gently,

"I know that, I just don't understand why I couldn't have…when I knew. What's the point of knowing what's going to happen if I, we can't change it, change the bad things." She asked, again sounding desolate.

He shook his head, knowing this question had been coming and she was right in a way, what was the point?

"Buffy, the truth is that you may not be able to change some things, things happen for a reason, both good and bad, and as much as I hate to say it…perhaps Jesse was meant to die, and there was nothing you could have done."

She looked up at this, it was so not what she wanted to hear but, something told her it was true, however much she didn't want it to be. How could she get past not being able to help people, people she knew to be in danger? Was she meant to get over it; get on with it like a good little cold-hearted and unfeeling slayer? Buffy just couldn't do that.

Her mind started running in circles again. Did it mean she could only change her own choices and stuff that they affected and nothing else? Or were there things that could be changed and others that couldn't, and she would just have to find out which, when they became issues? She shook her head in a futile attempt to clear it a little.

"There are too many things, too many possibilities. How do I know?" She asked him, hoping he had some special Giles-type wisdom for her.

It was Giles turn to shake his head,

"I don't know Buffy, all I can say is that time will tell. And maybe it would help you if you shared what you know. That way it isn't just you carrying this…knowledge, and we can face whatever problems arise together, like watchers and slayers should." He suggested,

Buffy smiled a little.

"Ok, oh you didn't tell the council, did you?" She suddenly remembered to check that small detail.

"No, I did not inform them as you asked, though I'm not normally in the habit of keeping things from them." He raised his eyebrows in silent question as to her motives.

"I know, but I don't trust them and if they knew about this they might want to study me or something." She told him, only half of the truth for now.

He made a face that was one of disbelief but nodded none the less.

"Very well, where would you like to begin? The beginning is always a good bet." He smiled, and she felt better.

She still had Giles after all, and there was Xander and Willow too, provided she could keep them safe.

"The beginning," Where in the hell was that? "Ok, I guess the beginning would be, Amy's witch mom who has switched their bodies, so she can relive her glory days as a Sunnydale cheerleader. Oh, and there might be an invisible girl hiding in the school because no one paid any attention to her, I'll have to check out class lists and see if she's still visible, I reckon probably not though."

Giles looked at her for a second, she'd got him there, he looked way too intrigued as Buffy went on to tell him the rest of the story and began forming a plan for how to deal with it.

That done, she told him; of what she could recall, of the rest of the mayhem and chaos that was living on the Hellmouth; at least in this first year, and the major big bad things that followed over the years. Giles believed that they could deal with most of what came later, later, but she would have to tell him if she started to forget things, that way they would have to go through everything.

As she had expected his notebooks and diary were at the ready.

It was with a partially relieved heart and mind that Buffy climbed into bed a little later, there was not much left of the night for sleeping but she would catch a few hours and her slayer stamina would mean she'd manage ok. Sharing some of what she knew had been both a relief and an arduous painful experience. She had tried to glaze over a few of the worse parts, but Giles had known she was withholding and had managed to coax it out of her somehow. The Angel thing had been awful to recount, and she found herself unable to meet his gaze for a while as she relived it through those odd 'memories'.

But he'd been so patient, understanding, hell even sympathetic and she finally began to feel less alone, less frightened, they would stand together to face all the storms that were headed their way, whether they turned out to be familiar or not. She would need to remind herself often, that the future wasn't set in stone, any number of actions, reactions, choices, decisions, all of these had the power to set them in a direction even she could not predict.

Yes, it was going to be, _interesting_ , his word not hers. As she drifted off to sleep she was struck by the slightly inappropriate thought that her welcome to the hellmouth had been quite something, Sunnydale, quite literally a hellhole of immense proportions, and yet, there was so much potential for good too; and guessed that it was the ever-sadistic fun that came with living above all those nightmares.

* * *

Sooo, questions, comments, any serious issues I may have forgotten or ones you're desperate that I clear up?

This was a nice long chapter, was it too long? I amalgamated two of my original chapters before re-writing as they just seemed too short by themselves.

Also you may be relieved to hear that it's likely I'll borrow much less actual dialogue the more we get into the story, simply because things are not likely to follow a familiar path and because that would be a serious snooze-fest right? :)

I'm enjoying myself though I'm still at the re-writing stage which is far easier than original content of course, though miraculously I have some of my original notes to hand which helps! Also having fun watching all the seasons with my eldest for the first time, she's loving it, we're a few eps into season 3, one of the best. Though I'm finding it slightly disturbing to be relating far more to Buffy's mother these days... ha

B x


	5. Reflections and Scattered Pieces

**Reflections and Scattered Pieces**

* * *

This was fun, she'd missed fun. They were vegged on the couch, but it felt like a haven amongst the onslaught of the rest. Willow on one side, Xander on the other, watching some foreign movie which was mostly incomprehensible. But still, fun, it was moments like this that reminded her just what she was fighting for.

A shame it could never be this simple all the time. Here and now, there was great friends, fun times, no worries.

Well, no worries that couldn't be left at the front door. Buffy was more than happy to leave them out there thank you, often wishing she could leave them there for good.

But hey, that wasn't in the fine print was it? The slayer gig, hers by right and no getting out of it bar actual death that didn't involve friends going above and beyond. The bitterness rose, Buffy quashed it down again. One day she would need to tell them everything, when the time came maybe knowing would give them the courage to relinquish their twisted superhero complex and let her go.

But she was going to work damn hard to ensure that it wasn't necessary.

She was focused on living. And this slayer wouldn't go anywhere without a fight.

Afterall she was one girl in all the world.

Chosen.

Always fighting.

Always alone.

And there it was; alone.

The almost miracle of six years of memories didn't mean very much, because, she still felt like this.

Why was it, no matter how much fun she was having, or how many friends or guides along the way, she continued to walk alone?

No one knows the trouble she's seen. And that's that.

How fucking depressing.

Seems she couldn't even manage a couple of hours without wallowing.

Strange, sometimes she was ok, even good with who she was. She was Buffy, this was destiny or whatever. She had a real purpose, she could make a difference.

But then, despite the wealth of knowledge she'd acquired, knowing what was out there, or perhaps largely because of that, there were times she'd genuinely and legitimately sprint in the other direction.

Times when Buffy wanted to fight against the surging tide that swept against her, threatening to pull her under at any moment.

It was funny, the part that wanted to fight that, the fire in her, the one that was constantly fighting; that was the slayer. Bit of a paradox.

The three friends said goodnight at some silly hour after the usual camp out giddiness. There was no school in the morning, so her mom hadn't objected to the sleepover in the living room.

It was hard to believe that barely two months had gone by since they'd arrived on the bright and sinister shores of Sunnydale, CA. It felt like she'd be here forever. And she felt strangely older than a meagre sixteen. This reality constantly reminded her of that harsh ridiculous truth.

She was also struggling with her newfound knowledge and couldn't share what she knew with her friends. Friends she felt deeply connected to, likely more than they did. Giles felt it was 'not advantageous' right now, as usual too British for words but maybe he was right, she'd grudgingly relented. It could be too much information, they'd just been clued in to the whole demon angle, the rest of it, the whole lot, might be a step too far.

But still, Buffy wasn't sure, maybe she was underestimating them. She'd done that in the past or would do in the future. Damn, these days her life was just one headache inducing complication.

Yeah, fun times.

Add to that, things were brewing, she could feel it; and it sure as hell didn't feel right. Her Spidey sense was all over the place and all she wanted was space to enjoy a fun time with friends. She was so over wallowing, but would it ever really be done with her? It was another constant in a way, that all encompassing tide of self-doubt, self-pity, and then the knowledge that she had, 'acquired'.

Was that selfish? She didn't care. This was her, she could hardly change now, and Buffy knew who she was when it was important to know. When the going got gruesome.

She was the slayer. She would fight, probably die, likely return from the dead at least once, but she was fucked if she knew exactly _how_ it was going to happen, or what she could do with everything she _did_ know.

Maybe nothing, not a thing. Only time held the answer to that.

Slayer insomnia sucked.

* * *

"Hey Giles,"

He glanced up in her direction from where he was seated at the desk, but it seemed as though her presence had barely registered. And, definitely not the tea he looked certain to spill on his lap at any second. Distraction thy name is Giles.

This looked to be more than the usual Monday morning blues that gripped her most mornings of the week.

"Hey, wakey wakey Giles," She joked, she leapt forward, her slayer reflexes in swift reaction; saving him from broken china and a very sore leg.

"Oh, oh yes thankyou Buffy, I really should be more careful," He tusked to himself as he got up, but it was clear he was only mildly aware and obvious that he couldn't tear himself away from the book lying open, centre stage among several volumes piled high around it.

"Something I should know about?"

He turned at her question, attempting a reassuring smile.

"No, no, nothing to worry about. Not yet anyway," Not quite able to look at her or contain that small acknowledgment.

"Spill it Giles, you can't not tell me, I'm sure it's in the rules somewhere; where's that handbook? There's obviously something going on, you must be the world's worst bluffer." She quipped to lighten the room, but it did nothing to ease his tense shoulders or the growing pressure surrounding them.

His stance indicated his reluctance. But then a minor movement of his upper body, a small slump, a yardstick of defeat.

Or victory.

She wouldn't let him escape without discussion and he knew it.

"There are signs Buffy, things are happening, possibly even sooner than we originally thought."

Buffy sighed,

"There are always signs Giles, what do these say?"

He hesitated only a second.

"That a great evil is coming, soon."

Buffy rolled her eyes this time.

"When is there not great evil coming?" She cracked, only half joking, trying to lighten things a little.

He wasn't having it.

"Buffy, this is serious…"

"Hey, you don't need to remind me Giles, I know how serious thanks, too well. Been there, got the…or it feels the hell like I have anyway." She added, defiant but a vague misery tugging at the edge of her words.

She was going to have to deal sooner rather than later apparently.

"Do you think it's the master?" She followed up with this question, pressing as it was on the edge of her nerves, on the edge of everything, The beginning, and the end, in a way.

"Very possibly," Was all the reply he allowed, all the while looking at her in that odd penetrating way he had sometimes.

"Then we'll deal, same as ever," She breezily brushed aside and over the feelings it stirred up. Most definitely, too much for a Monday. "I got to go Giles, got class, see you later,"

His gaze followed her as she left through the swing doors and out into the busy corridor beyond. He wasn't daft, there was something she hadn't told him, and it was bothering her. He considered with a wry smile that while her skills in the bluffing department were undoubtedly better than his, they were not as good as she thought.

That girl, was she even to be considered simply a girl at this point?

Well, at the very least, he was thankful that they had developed an understanding of each other so quickly. Sometimes Watchers and Slayers were not brilliantly compatible, clashing personalities and agendas often made a tough situation so much worse. But his relationship with Buffy, it felt remarkably solid after a relatively short time. It made it far easier to read between the lines when she wasn't telling him everything.

* * *

Buffy arrived in Biology a little late, but apparently Mr Gregory was letting it go. Now _he_ was a cool teacher, for one he didn't consider her a foregone conclusion as some of the others pegged her. And there was the gratitude he'd expressed ever since she'd saved him from giant preying Mantis woman a few weeks previously. Augh, yuck, thinking on it for too long just made her skin crawl, the resulting compulsion to scratch her skin red raw had flickered across her senses once or twice. Disgusting, but that had been an easy job, relatively, bit of bat sonar and a big ol' sword, swipe, slash, and she was done. Though not before Xander had made a fool of himself or before Mr Gregory had discovered what was happening and thus, his grateful attitude. Not that it meant any kind of allowance or give in the homework department, he'd made that clear too.

Willow was whispering what Buffy had missed in the first few minutes of class, something about the valves of the heart?

Buffy wasn't really listening, old habits die hard, but she remembered this heart stuff, complete with surround sound memory of the dissection, another notch on the disgust-ometa. Though that was minus Mr Gregory; more weirdness that was her life. She remembered things she'd never actually learnt at school, another tip to headache-ville coming soon to a Buffy near you.

A wandering mind is just too easily done, and looking around, at least half of the class had glazed over expressions. She may as well join them.

Yes, because she didn't think too much already! Over-analyse thy name is Buffy. She'd ace that college psyche class these days. And there it was again, she'd never set foot on a college campus.

 _Some_ good _had_ come from what she knew. She felt the pull of sinking thoughts again as her mind grappled with Jesse. She refused to be led down that hole. She knew she could do good and make a difference. She already had, but Buffy was at the bottom of a mountain with an epic hike ahead of her and that was just another tough truth to swallow.

* * *

Firstly, the cheerleader witch thing had been funny, except when it hadn't. Buffy and Giles had put a stop to the castings before serious damage was done. She wasn't sure what happened to Amy's scary mom in the end, but it was all good now; until Amy started taking after mommy dearest. Buffy would have to keep an eye on that one; she didn't want to see that side of Amy, or anyone else to see it either, namely Willow. Not that surveillance meant things would stay, safe, but staying watchful wouldn't hurt. It was difficult to look at Willow sometimes, sweet clever Willow who had some terrible potential inside her. But then, wasn't that true of most people? Buffy's own power wasn't exactly that of innocents and rainbows.

No need to dwell on that either.

Next.

Then there was Marcie to deal with, the invisible girl who disappeared because no one saw her. Buffy knew she'd been 'gone' for a while and it could so easily have ended badly. Thankfully all it took was someone wanting to help her, people knowing she was there; she came out of it herself. She hadn't got to the point of no return, and so, psycho Marcie avoided. She might be headed for some major therapy but then who wasn't? Buffy saw her around at school and she seemed ok, and Buffy had a promise from her not to share the slayer stuff with the entire student body; she might even mean it.

The hyena possession thing had been funny too, funny and annoying. She had steered everyone away from that enclosure, (after having tried and failed to cancel the school trip), only for that group of miscreants to sneak away and get possessed. It almost served them right. Buffy was ridiculously grateful that Xander had not been among them 'this time', that the gang had been caught quickly after confronting the keeper, and hadn't eaten anyone, not the pig or Principal Flutie or teenagers watching cartoons.

Then there was Owen. Sweet, cute, intellectual but foolish Owen. Dating him was a non-starter, Buffy always knew that, knew that dating anyone who wasn't aware of her alter ego was a bad idea. But it was monumentally unfair to have it shoved in her face again just to prove the point.

But life wasn't fair, dealing with that daily.

And Giles was more important, would always be more important than some fleeting crush. Buffy couldn't let him go it alone at the mortuary, no matter what stupid notion he was running with. But still, it was very brave and heroic. And stupid, not forgetting stupid.

Buffy had realised rather belatedly just how Colin had become the anointed and she'd gotten there in time to save him, and his mother. They'd been sufficiently freaked out that they'd headed out of town and Buffy had breathed a little easier. Except she hadn't, just because she'd thwarted that one minor prophesy didn't mean it wouldn't find a different way of coming true. Worrying over whether she could save another, similar child weighed her down and the tendency towards morose thought only increased, especially when sat in math class.

And then there was Angel.

Angel.

That tall dark gorgeous bastard.

Buffy's wandering thoughts were rudely interrupted by the bell which was probably a good thing.

"Homework is to read chapters 10 and 11 and answer the questions at the end, you too Miss Summers,"

Buffy glanced at Mr Gregory, hoping the burning guilt wasn't too plain on her face. He believed in her, and she couldn't even muster the will to banish her issues and listen in his class. But at least she managed to do her homework these days.

* * *

"What were you thinking about?" Willow asked on the way to English. "Or was it someone?" A sly smile appearing on her delicate features.

"What did I miss? Someone? Who someone?" Xander queried, looking around, as if he might spot the answer in the hallway, looking a bit peeved when he didn't find it.

"Angel." The name hovered on the edge of everything as usual, Buffy wasn't even sure who had spoken.

"Some of it anyway." She admitted.

"Star-crossed, it's so romantic really, in a twisted dark kind of way," Willow added, looking to Buffy for more details.

"Yeah it is, but that's all it is, all it can ever be. It's silly," Buffy told them, though it sounded like she was convincing herself.

"You know it's not." Willow didn't miss anything. Buffy wished she could tell her the whole story. But she was being a good girl, so only the essentials. Vampire, tortured soul, there wasn't much else to tell because she'd barely seen Angel, bar a run in with that nasty trio, The Three. Buffy wondered if he was keeping his distance, unsure of what Buffy knew and his role now.

But there were still feelings, ridiculous complicated feelings from before, from the recollections that filled her mind; they weren't even real and yet.

Love had limits, that she knew. But seeing him those few times had stirred up more than she'd wanted to admit. She was drawn to him, it was the reason she was trying to stay clear. It exhausted and depressed her.

It was hard, and yet, knowing why it could never be, took the edge off. No one else would ever understand why, or she hoped to God they never did. Buffy simply knew too much to be head over heels for him. And thank goodness for that.

Telling Giles had been awful. She'd initially skimmed over the details, but he'd known she was withholding and coaxed it out of her. He had a way of doing that, somehow, he saw through her bravado and prevarication; which was comforting and disturbing all at once. Had he always been able to do that? Buffy wondered if she was imagining a new connection and deeper understanding with her watcher and then remembered. All of this was new, her freak-some knowledge wasn't exactly normal, and that only made her feel another step out of line with the rest of the world.

* * *

More musings were put on hold in lieu of going to and listening in class for once, a welcome distraction.

Doing schoolwork wasn't going to kill her, and it certainly wouldn't help anyone if her mom was getting calls from the principal.

She was home when Buffy got in after school. Giles had agreed to postpone training until the weekend thus freeing up her week for 'normal' family/kid time. He had been surprisingly easy to convince but was more than keen to keep her secret a secret; no matter the damage that Buffy had warned him it could do to relationships with her mom in the future.

"Hi honey, did you have a good day?" She greeted Buffy as she joined her mom in the kitchen.

"Yeah not bad, I'll do my homework now, and go out later, is that ok?"

Her mom seemed to take a few moments to consider this request, but Buffy was optimistic. A reward for asking and 'behaving', huh, if only she knew. But Buffy wasn't sure her mother would be able to deal with it yet, but would she ever?

"With Willow and Xander again?"

Buffy nodded.

"Yeah that's ok Buffy, be home for 12 though."

"Done," Buffy replied sweetly and headed up to her room to study and then dissect her wardrobe.

Buffy had missed her mother so much. Having her around was amazing, even when she was nagging over schoolwork. The sinister thoughts that plagued the back of Buffy's mind stayed there for now, she was trying so hard not to freak. And that in turn had made being near her mom and behaving normally, well, way not normal.

The truth was too horrible to think about. And a part of her wished she had never looked for info about aneurysms. Buffy had searched for a way to stop it, but that didn't exist. Aneurysms are like mines in the brain, virtually undetectable and often fatal. They could strike at any time of life, some didn't even have symptoms and even the test for them was so difficult that it wasn't done very often as that could trigger one. Buffy theorised that it was connected to the earlier tumour but there was nothing she could hope to do about that either. She'd even wondered if the monk's introduction of her mystical energy key of a sister, likely still a few years away, had any impact on her mother's declining health. The timing would support that.

But hell, there was nothing to be done about that either, short of telling her mother straight off that Dawn was not what she appeared; and keeping them apart. Not likely to happen, but she was open to anything if it meant keeping her mother alive.

It was despairing, heart-breaking; and Buffy didn't know what to do. She considered telling Giles and sharing the burden but wasn't sure it would make much difference. He would look at her in that inscrutable way, but it would also be a look of pity and she had enough of that for herself.

Was she underestimating someone again? Giles would do his best to help if he could and having omitted it from her tales-from-the-sunny-crypt-future, she'd protected herself but not given him a chance to prove he could support her in other ways.

Truthfully, the one person that Buffy wanted to run to, was Angel. Ever since he'd been in her house and she'd bandaged his wound following their run in with 'The Three'. They hadn't seen any point in preventing that, nothing major had happened and trying to prevent every little thing would be unrealistic and exhausting. It was indicative of the trio's strength that they'd been able to hurt Angel even when Buffy had known and attempted to protect him. Thankfully she had gained the upper hand, just.

Buffy had sensed that connection between her and Angel. It had been almost painful, she'd looked into his eyes and seen him, known him. Their lips had gravitated towards the other, almost hypnotically, Buffy had tried to fight against it but to no avail. Their lips had barely touched when they'd heard her mom moving around upstairs and Angel had made and swift and let's face it, precipitous exit. Though not before shooting a glance at her with those tortured brown eyes. Buffy couldn't help but shiver when she recalled the moment.

It was never going to be more than stolen moments. It shouldn't be any moments.

How the hell was she going to stay away from him?

Simple Buffy, just use some logic and remember what Angelus was like and I'm sure you'll manage to keep your knickers on.

Yeah but on the other hand it was almost like they were opposite magnetic forces with no recourse but to be pulled together again and again no matter how awful the consequences.

Did she love him?

Not in that all-consuming, body, mind and soul stealing way that she remembered. It was a many layered complicated emotion, but she'd seen too much to love him blindly, naively like she might have otherwise done. Like the way those memories portrayed; a silly teenage girl, a powerful slayer who should have known better and a souled vampire who was supposed to be atoning for his wrongs not using his extensive excavating skills to investigate her mouth, against the scenic backdrop of Sunnydale's many graveyards.

* * *

Buffy's walk to the Bronze was quiet, no stalkers tonight; he was already there. She resisted rolling her eyes. His presence so distracting that she had to ask Willow and Xander to repeat themselves, more than once. Embarrassing.

"Just go over there already." Xander told her out of the blue, she gave him a fully questioning glare and he continued, "Well until you talk to him, he's not gonna leave, is he?"

Okay.

Easy.

He looked far too good.

She wouldn't linger.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Two great conversationalists tonight.

"Your side feel ok now?" A nice safe subject to open with. It was probably better than 'I have feelings for you, but we can't be together cos you'll turn evil.'

"It's fine, vampire healing," He reassured,

"Right,"

"Buffy," He started, looking at her so intently it was like this invisible force had a hold of her. Where was the free will people?

Leaning close, his lips brushed hers with a soft and uncertain pressure. Even that was hot as hell, it deepened quickly, and Buffy realised it would have to be her, she would have to be the strong one here.

She broke away, the loss a physical and emotional blow. She wanted to scream at the sick twist of fate that had her living in this moment.

"This can never be anything," She told him, trying to concentrate on his eyes and not his miraculous mouth, wanting to communicate the seriousness of her statement.

"I know," He agreed.

She shook her head, backing away a little more with each passing second, the pressure was less, it eased off the further away he was.

"No, you don't, you really don't," Turning she walked back to her friends, resisting the urge to flee the short distance home and cry herself to sleep.

She spent a few depressing minutes thinking, until she decided to snap out of it. Yeah so Angel and she could never be together, not without major issues but that didn't mean she was dead. Honestly sometimes she surprised herself with how powerful her self-pity in a Buffy slump could be.

"Come on guys," Buffy announced, practically jumping off the seat while Xander and Will looked taken aback at the abrupt change in mood.

"You ok Buffy?" Willow asked uncertainly,

"Totally fine Will, can't sit around all night moping, let's dance," She replied, grabbing her hand and leading her across to the dance floor. "You too Xander,"

He didn't need asking twice, bounding up to them both and starting to 'boogie' to what was probably the rhythm in his head as it sure wasn't the one the band were kicking out. He was just too keen for his own good. Oh Xander. She had better not get his hopes up. As cute as Xander was, even if the feelings she had for him became stronger, Buffy could never do that to Willow. At least not while she was still in love with him, and probably not while she was still in the proverbial wicca closet.

They proceeded to dance away the crappiness that was lingering and had a great time, though Buffy couldn't quite brush off Angels continued presence in the shadows; ever watchful. And yes, slightly creepy.

Damn, time to go.

Buffy made sure to walk Willow and Xander home, she did a quick sweep through the nearest graveyard after that. Not much action but enough to scratch the slayer itch and enough to keep him from her mind. Fairly wiped out, once she fell into bed she was quickly in a restless sleep.

* * *

The moonlight shone through her bedroom window, casting an uneasy uneven light on the soft carpeted floor.

Someone was there.

Going from half asleep to wide awake in a second was something she was used to, especially when woken by some creature of the night. Though they weren't usually sat on her window, or this good-looking either.

"Angel," She was only mildly surprised to see him. They had not yet had one of their twilight bedroom meetings, and there were so many things left unsaid. They were probably best left that way, but Buffy wasn't that lucky.

"Buffy, I…" He stopped almost as soon as he had started, he looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry to disturb you like this, but I get the sense that we need to have a talk."

She nodded.

"It couldn't have waited until I wasn't trying to claw a few hours' sleep from the joke that is a slayer's sleep schedule?" Somehow this cutting barb slipped past her lips before she could think to stop it.

Way to go Buffy.

"Sorry," Now he looked even more unsure of himself and some guilt set in on her side.

Ease up Buffy, he has no idea what the hell is going on.

True but he's hardly an innocent by stander here either.

"Well you're not wrong, we should probably talk, I'm just not sure talking with you is a good idea."

He stared at her for another few moments, nodding though the brooding expression remained.

"How about we begin with something simple then? Like how you knew I was a vampire who 'wouldn't be better off as a pile of dust'?" He quoted back at her, sharing a small smile.

Ah.

The small smile that that wrought from her features didn't reach her eyes.

"The problem is, that is the problem Angel. How I know what I know, everything I know, it's about as far from simple as Sunnydale is from winning a safe place to call home award."

Her thin-lipped smile did nothing to relax either one of them. If anything, the tension in her room was growing, palpable.

There was nothing else for it.

"I knew because…" She stopped again, the right words just wouldn't come. Ugh this was horrible, telling Giles had been far easier, and it had generally felt like a relief to share it,

"I know because I've seen things, things I shouldn't know will happen, before they happen."

She went with this garbled explanation in the end as it was better to ease him into this rather than slam him with the unlikely truth straightaway.

It was only a beat before he was replying.

"Like a prophesy?"

"Similar," She allowed, "Slayer's are known for having prophetic dreams,"

He nodded,

"I have those too, but this was something else, something bigger."

He seemed to be absorbing this as he didn't say anything for a whole minute. During which time Buffy became increasingly hot under his intense scrutiny.

Not helpful body, did you not get the memo, she was not in love with him.

"I'm guessing this is neither here nor there in the bigger picture but, how did it happen? You say it wasn't a normal prophetic dream?"

An easier question, a respite, the calm before the storm.

"It was a demon. Back in L.A. I was stabbed by it and the poison, it gave me what I initially thought were hallucinations…"

"But turned out to be closer to the truth than you thought?"

She nodded

"I don't suppose you witnessed any of that fight? Me on patrol?"

His quizzical expression was almost funny.

"Come on Angel, I thought we were here to bring a little honesty to this whole thing. I know you watched me in L.A."

His eyes widening perceptibly, perhaps he was getting it now.

"You know that I…was in L.A."

"Watching me, yes."

"How?"

"You told me."

This time his face was comical.

"I think I'd remember that."

"It wasn't you, you, it was Angel of my vision."

"Ok, what else did I tell you?"

At this Buffy got out of bed and rounded the corner to face him.

"I think the more relevant question would be what didn't you tell me? You didn't tell me a lot of stuff Angel, for which I'm going to forgive because it wasn't you but so many of those things are happening that I'm going with my wild hunch here that you're not overly keen to be Mr share guy either. Were you going to tell me you were a vampire?"

He swallowed,

"Eventually. It's not exactly something I'm proud of. I've done things Buffy, terrible things…"

"I know," She added quietly.

He regarded her for a second or so.

"You know, how much do you know? I don't think you're telling me everything here."

"Bingo, honestly, I'm not even sure I should have told you that. Things are just so complicated." Her hands covered her face, an automatic anxiety induced response. Her expression was pained but the resolve in her voice was far more unyielding.

He narrowed his eyes.

"What happened to bringing some honesty? From what I hear you're creating waves without anyone else's input, but I want to help you Buffy, I can't do that if…"

"If what? If I don't tell you everything I know? That's a laugh, because you've been so keen to tell me everything?"

"You blind sided me Buffy, I never expected any of this,"

"Of course not, you just expected to play the mysterious handsome stranger, be this enigmatic benefactor all the while keeping this secret from me which is kind of important?"

He blinked, and a small smile appeared.

"You think I'm handsome?"

Buffy rolled her eyes,

"So not the point right now." But for some stupid reason she couldn't restrain the coy smile that graced her features.

Buffy you are far too easy.

"What is the point exactly? You know things about me, I'd like to know how much."

She advanced on him, resisting the strong urge to poke him in the chest, hard.

"Don't turn this around and act all woe is me, there are plenty of perfectly reasonable reasons I shouldn't tell you everything. You're supposed to be helping right? Atoning for your sins? Brooding over your past life not brooding over whether or not I tell you a story."

A steely glint appeared in those dark eyes of his, like pools of liquid chocolate.

Good grief just. Stop. looking.

"Must be one hell of a story,"

The defiant edge of Buffy's personality caused her to jut her chin out, she wasn't sure if she was baiting him or wanting to prove herself.

"It is,"

They stood in silence for a couple of minutes, contemplating the next move to the sound of rustling leaves that drifted through the window behind him.

She sighed,

"Look, I didn't want an argument, I'm going to have to share some of it with you because you have to understand something I know already."

"And what is that?" He seemed quietly amused again.

"That this thing between us, can never be anything," She told him quietly.

"I know that,"

"No Angel, you really don't,"

"You think I don't know that a 240-year-old vampire can't be with a 16-year-old slayer?" His words spoke disbelief but there was something that wavered behind them.

And there it was.

"No, I know you think you know, but…oh hell," She muttered before doing something she 'd likely regret in the more reasonable light of the following day.

Nothing like show and tell.

She placed her hands lightening quick behind his neck and back and pulled him down towards her. She met only a little resistance.

Lesson one proven. His will power sucked worse than a vampire on St Vigeous; no matter what he said he knew.

When her lips touched his it was both familiar and completely new. Like coming home, to a home she had no idea existed. And oh God it was melting her from the inside, like fire and ice they pulled and pushed each other, an erotic ebb and flow that became increasingly out of control.

It was just how she remembered.

And then she remembered what she was doing.

Proving her point.

Oh, Buffy what did you do.

And then it happened, another lightening quick transformation. From all consuming to something that was all at once another league of terror and exhilaration.

He pulled, turning away from her, hiding himself and she knew she'd succeeded.

He turned back, growling at her, his vampiric visage not quite so much of a shock 'this time'.

She folded her arms and gave him a slightly too smug smile.

Mistake.

He grabbed her arms and drew her roughly towards him.

She pushed him away and made another split-second decision.

She punched him, hard on the jaw, as hard as she dared without knocking him out cold. He fell and stayed down, sitting there as his breathing and features returned to normal. He glanced back up at her after a minute or so, when he had some control again.

"Do you see?" She whispered harshly,

His baleful look wasn't quite the reaction she'd expected.

"I'm beginning to," He rubbed his jaw, "Was that necessary?"

She shrugged.

"Looks like. You needed something tangible to understand. And at least it wasn't followed by my screaming for the whole street to hear and mom to come running, or something worse," She added ominously.

He turned his puzzled eyes on her face again,

"Screaming? You mean like you didn't know…?"

She nodded.

"Did you see that happening? That's how you knew what I am?"

She nodded again

"That and so much more."

"How much more?"

She sighed, time to come clean, at least partially. Where to draw the line though?

Sitting at the end of the bed, she indicated that Angel sit down, making sure that there was a decent space between them.

She took a deep breath.

"When I was poisoned, I didn't just see hallucinations. It turns out I saw six years of my life," She paused and made another decision, just get it done.

"I didn't just see them, I lived them. I experienced six years of my life from age 16 onwards. Moving to Sunnydale, Giles, my friends, you. All of it."

His eyes were as much like saucers as eyes could be now.

"You lived six years of your life?"

"As close as, yes, as crazy as it sounds. Not everything is exactly how I saw it but it's close enough. Including you."

"And of me, you saw things, bad things?" He finally managed to say, looking worried.

Slowly she nodded, managing to look him in the eye then look away again, thus avoiding getting lost in the damn things.

"Of what I saw of us, yes it was bad, could be bad," She corrected, paused then ploughed ahead, she needed to get it out. "You have to understand Angel, us being together, you could lose your soul."

She looked at him again and this time didn't waver.

He shook his head. Getting up and backing away from her.

"No," Was all he said, understandably not wanting to believe that it could happen.

Believe it buddy.

He paced for a few seconds before looking back at her.

"No, it's just not, how the hell is that possible? No don't answer that,"

Buffy was momentarily amused or would have been had it not been so fraught.

"Actually, do answer that," He stopped pacing,

"No, I don't think the details would be of the good right now, just to say that you're meant to be suffering for everything you've done right? And experiencing happiness causes it to become… unstable."

She did not want to go into specifics, heaven knows it had been excruciating to live through/witness and that hadn't been real.

He was looking at her now with a very strange expression, almost like he was working it out. She tried not to shiver under the intensity of it.

"That makes sense," He admitted eventually after several long minutes of consideration.

"We have to protect your soul at all costs," Buffy whispered, a couple of errant tears finding their way down her face.

Angel moved forward, opening his arms as if to comfort her but stopped even as she moved away from him. Thinking better of it just as she did, her knowing it was a singularly bad idea, him beginning to realise the same.

"I'm sorry Buffy,"

It was her turn to be surprised.

"For what?"

"For the things you've seen, you've been through, because of me. I had hoped I could help you here, if I thought for even a moment that it would be misery I'd bring instead…"

"You're sorry for something that hasn't happened?" She asked, almost amused.

"Yes, I know what I've done in the past, what the monster in me is capable of. I can imagine though I don't want to. Tell me, did people die?"

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded,

"Yes."

"Did you have to stake me?"

Buffy looked at him, surprised again, then away not quite able to hold his gaze.

"No details Angel, sorry. Not a good idea, not for me to dwell on or for you either. And then there's Angelus and there'll always be a part of my mind having to plan for worst case scenario. He's listening too."

He nodded, eyes downcast again.

"I understand. Maybe it would be best if I left town?"

At this Buffy looked back at him.

"I think we're safe for now? This way I can keep an eye on you, strictly professionally speaking, and any help you can give me, and Giles would be really good?"

Somehow the idea of him leaving didn't fill her with joy either. It was a lose-lose situation. But then again, if he could help them…?

He nodded,

"I managed to find Giles a book he was interested in seeing…" He told her, producing a small leather-bound article from nowhere.

"The Codex, thank you. He'll be thrilled."

There was that expression again.

"What? Yes, I knew you might do this for him, us. Yes, it's crazy weird. No, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to it."

He nodded again.

"I would say I'd like to be friends, if we can, but maybe that's expecting too much?"

"No that would be…good. It's a long time since I had a friend." He told her, smiling weakly.

She smiled too, slightly more at ease now but there was still more to say.

"Before you go, we should probably talk about Darla." She said, suddenly overcome with the need to confess.

Now he did look at her, the intense look going right through her.

"I'd ask how again but I guess we already covered that?"

She nodded,

"Yes, you should probably know that she was here, in town, and working with the master."

"I thought as much, I had heard talk she was around but hadn't seen her,"

"I staked her my first night here in Sunnydale," Buffy explained, the words coming out in a rush, not quite sure how he would react. Not that she cared.

"Wow, that's, good Buffy." He smiled but it did little to reassure her.

"I'm sorry, I know you were together a long time,"

"That wasn't me, that was Angelus, and a long time ago."

"I know it wasn't you, but it's hard to know what things might still mean something to you. Not my business though," She added needlessly, she may as well be wearing some neon sign, 'Complex feelings ahoy', or some other such rubbish. How could she still be thinking this way?

"No, it's not like you care right?" The accusation was harsh and unnecessary. What did he think this was some teen drama series? It would accomplish nothing but trouble.

"Don't, we can't do this," She replied, attempting to sound as hard as he had and failing as it came out sounding broken.

"You're right, I'm sorry, I better go."

She was quiet for another moment after, trying to rearrange her thoughts into a cohesive something that might be useful. A way to move the discussion forward. But after everything, they just felt like scatter broken pieces of a fractured whole. Despite her intentions this was beginning to break her. Mentioning Darla hadn't been entirely without unexpected angst but not in the way she had imagined. She settled on something more neutral.

"Can you keep your ear to the ground about the master? Giles seems to think that there are evil forces at work. I told him not to worry, that there always are, and we'd deal but it may be that whatever is going on is happening sooner than the events as I saw them…" She shrugged but it didn't dispel the worry even as she attempted to create a nonchalant appearance. "We'll deal as always but going in blind, that freaks me out a bit."

"Sure, I can do that," He hesitated, looking like he intended to say something more, but settled on "Good night Buffy," And he was gone, like a darkening mist at twilight, ephemeral and impossible to capture.

* * *

It was with some difficulty that Buffy eventually went back to sleep after those intense moments with the fated vampire who must not be thought of, must not be kissed, must not be anything more to Buffy than a useful informant.

But it wasn't him.

Something was wrong.

Buffy sat upright in bed, for goodness sake she could not catch a break tonight. This time not disturbed by something nearby, but by something inside herself. The dreams again. She couldn't even luck out on some sleep when she'd been up half the night.

She needed sleep, she hated this. Giles was right, something was off, it was coming soon. Buffy tried to focus on what was left of it, attempted to snatch the wisps that lingered. Closing her eyes, she tried to recall; images flickered by, vampires, screaming, the master, water, gasping for breath. And then, she opened her eyes in quiet alarm,

"Home, sweet home," Was uttered by a bleached blonde vampire as he flicked a cigarette to the ground.

Oh shit.

* * *

And there it is! Hooray right? Apologies for the time this took, far too much rl happening, plus I admit, I am two timing with another story ha!

Comments, questions, any thoughts would be amazing!

And so many thanks for reviews so far, even those offering some kind of personal psychoanalysis cause ya know, that stuff ain't cheap!

Next chapter is halfway done so cross your fingers for a miracle!

B x


	6. Repercussions

**Repercussions**

* * *

Buffy struggled to get back to sleep after that. She spent the rest of the night thinking too much, and if she was being honest with herself, a bit terrified. The emotions that that vampire brought out in her weren't pretty; burning fiery hate was a fitting summary. Of everything and everyone he was the one thing she truly hated, wished dead, and had wished herself dead over. She would happily be swallowed whole by some icky demon than focus on exactly why; but shame and self-destruction were both major themes. And the sick joke was, none of it had happened.

She was determined that it wouldn't.

But what the hell was he doing here, now? This wasn't right, she had to speak to Giles.

* * *

"Morning Buffy, you're here early?" Giles greeted her in the library at 7:30am the following morning.

"I know, but I need to talk to you." She responded quickly, her tone an immediate draw on his attention.

Ah, he wondered if perhaps she was ready to tell him what had been bothering her? He quietly regarded her agitated presence and waited for her to speak.

He soon realised it was not. Buffy recounted her dreams and her fear that Spike had arrived in Sunnydale earlier than expected.

"Didn't you say that Spike and Drusilla were due to arrive early in September? What makes you think that this dream means they are here now? You may be projecting your fears as a result of your vision. And all your resultant feelings."

Buffy glared at him, did he think she was new at this?

"No, I know Spike is here, now, I just know. Slayer dreams aren't to be scoffed at Giles, I know what it felt like."

Giles frowned and began cleaning his glasses, clearly considering the implications. He looked back at her after a short pause.

"Right, I defer to your instincts then."

Buffy blinked, almost in shock at the ease of his agreement. That was not something she remembered happening. Not without their shared experience of serious life-threatening circumstances, fights, apocalypse. The fact that he trusted her so much already created a warmth in her stomach somehow. And lessened that lonely one-girl in all the world rubbish she was faced with every day.

Giles smiled slightly at Buffy's quiet reaction and continued.

"And assuming Spike is here, well, while it isn't good, I don't see how this changes anything. We just prepare for him now. Research etcetera."

She reacted with some surprise.

"It changes everything Giles, this isn't what I remember! It's got to mean something right? Did something I do change stuff?" She began to pace, her nervous energy needing an outlet and unfortunately, there wasn't much to punch right then, just books. Apparently, her Watcher had managed to instil some respect for the aged volumes he was so fond of.

"It's possible Buffy, of course, equally possible is that this, our reality rather, is fundamentally different to the one you experienced, anyway. Added to that, at any time any number of tiny events, actions, reactions, they affect how things will pan out. And because of that we cannot expect it to be the same."

She collapsed dramatically into a chair.

"This is so unfair!" She whined, knowing she sounded childish and little pathetic but not caring.

Giles smiled again, but it wasn't a happy look.

"No, but life is such. And life as the Slayer…" He told her.

She held up her hand to stop any further irritating recitation or platitudes, she didn't want to hear anything more in that vein right now, or ever.

"I know Giles, I know!" She exclaimed, the stress getting to her.

Talk to the hand cos Buffy isn't listening. Sometimes it was too much.

* * *

Meanwhile, beneath the bright warm topside of Sunnydale and the school where Buffy was grumbling, the crumbling ruins of an ancient church stood in defiance of time. And an equally ancient creature was greeting a couple of new arrivals.

"Well, well, dear William, what is it that brings you to my shores? It's a long way from where I last saw you, tearing through Europe, or was it, Asia?"

The Sid Vicious wannabe flicked a cigarette butt into the shadows. He shrugged,

"Yeah, well, I felt like a change, thought this place would be good for Dru to build up her strength. Also been hearing things about some slayer causing problems for you New-World lot?"

"She will be taken care of." The master spoke, the venom and disgust saturating his tones.

"Really? I heard tell that she already took out some of your best buddies, Darla, Luke?" The blonde asked, his voice ripe with ill-concealed mischief and condescension.

The master looked pained at the memory, as if he felt deep sorrow at their demise.

"She was my favourite, but they were over confident, it made them careless and weak."

"I'll be taking care of this slayer then," Spike told him, his words indicating that he already had a plan in mind.

"No Spike, I have my own plans for her."

Spike considered him for a moment before shrugging again,

"Whatever you say mate," And he turned away, guiding Drusilla out of the cavernous darkness, "doesn't mean I can't have a bit of fun of my own." He shot back into the void.

* * *

This was bad, she wasn't sure just how bad yet, but it didn't matter. Spike meant trouble, in some ways, she'd rather hide out in a big hole o' crap than deal with him.

But she _could_ deal. She _was_ the slayer.

Right?

The rest of it was coming from a place of pain and despair that just didn't exist or shouldn't. She knew this reality wasn't ideal, and never would be, with pesky demons running around but things hadn't descended to that level.

However, Buffy couldn't just dismiss Spike's part in her own personal hell, vision or no vision.

She couldn't stop herself questioning why and what he was doing there _now_.

Was it because of her? Or was she over-playing this in paranoid self-importance?

This place wasn't exactly like her vision world and might never have been.

But it could be because of her. Silly idiot that she was.

Boy, Spike sure did stir up a special kind of self-hatred. So, were there any unoccupied holes hereabouts so she could go to ground?

Maybe not such a good question to ask when you're hanging out in a graveyard that sees an inordinate number of rising vampires. There were more vacant holes in the ground here than a dodgy construction site.

Buffy just wanted to go home, curl up in bed and pretend this wasn't happening. But she wouldn't do that. It wasn't in her to run away, not anymore, no matter how bad it got or how tempting that course of action was.

She had to fight, to prove that he would never win, and to get him out of town. She had enough to deal with, he had to go.

She was only hanging around in this cemetery hoping he would make an appearance so that she could get to the ass-kicking.

Buffy had good instincts.

"Well, well, well," drawled a voice.

Buffy froze for a split second, her stomach sinking with an ominous nausea, and then collecting herself, sneered in disgust. You could hear the smirk in his voice, and she turned, seeing that again, she was correct.

There he was, leaning against a tree, smirk in place despite the cigarette that hung out of the side of his mouth.

"Isn't this a pretty sight? Does your mummy know you're out this late?"

She rolled her eyes, her momentary paralysis forgotten, the fire inside answering the call to arms.

"Oh funny, spare me the pathetic dialogue Spike, I have better things to do," She threw her words back at him.

His face was hilarious. He was clearly taken aback but put the conceited smirk back on his smarmy features, as if he wasn't unnerved.

Good, she hoped he was, arrogant vamp.

"You know me? I don't believe I've had the pleasure, slayer," He drawled lewdly.

Yeah and you never will.

Buffy put on a slight air of boredom, casually waving her stake around, to give him the message this this conversation wasn't going to end without a fight. Preferably with a pile of dust, or him running out of town with his tail between his legs. Whichever it was, a fight would be a good place to start.

"Aww no, did I spoil your fun? Sounds like you do know me, asshole, so that gets the pleasantries out of the way."

His expression didn't change but his physical stance altered a little. Now looking slightly defensive, it told her all she needed to know; he didn't like this one bit.

"You sure you got me right pet?" He asked, his tone dark but not quite as cock sure as he had been only minutes earlier.

She ignored his question.

"Where's Drusilla tonight? You left her home alone, playing with her dollies? Was that wise considering her condition?" Buffy asked, all faux innocence.

His eyes narrowed to slits at the implied threat. Even so his mind was working overtime to compensate for this unexpected twist. He had planned to blind-side her and instead, somehow, she had got one up on him.

Just as she had done, he chose to ignore her question.

"I'm worse than you think, I've killed two slayers and it's about time I made it a hat trick." Came his boastful reply.

"Oh yeah, two slayers, but you know what Spike? You don't scare me, I can take you, I've got more than enough in me to kill you, and I _will_ kill you."

Buffy had omitted the word hate in there, but there was no need to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he stirred such deep feelings within her.

He was shaking his head.

"I don't think…"

"That's just it Spike, you don't think, you shouldn't have come here." She interrupted him, shaking her head in mock rueful thought.

"I know, you have better things to do, but I tell you what, as we're such good friends now, as a personal favour from me to you, I'll make it quick it won't hurt a bit." He snarled as his face morphed into his vamp visage.

Buffy almost enjoyed the déjà vu as her next words flowed from her lips with practiced ease.

"No Spike, it's gonna hurt a lot." Though she found she sounded calmer than she felt.

He growled and lunged, anger making him sloppy; she ducked and evaded him easily. They exchanged blows and punches.

She flipped over a gravestone and kicked him in the face on her way down. She landed with an agility that never seemed to transfer to her 'normal' life and kept a fraction ahead of the blonde vampire. She punched his face and chest in such quick succession that she could feel his resolve weakening, particularly when she heard something crack, probably a rib or two.

He fell to the ground and she kicked him; her new heavy-duty patrolling boots already put to good use.

"Get up, piece of shit," She told him, kicking again. Abruptly her legs were pulled out from under her and she fell with a painful thud on the sun-baked ground. Annoyed, Buffy quickly scrambled back onto her feet, tripping him as he tried to rise.

"I don't think so," Buffy spoke again, feeling a grim and great satisfaction in knowing that he was going to die at her hands.

"Buffy!"

Giles?! She twisted around for a split second, spotting her watcher as he emerged from behind an overgrown bush. As she turned back, she caught Spike in the periphery of her vision as he prepared to elbow her in the face.

She managed to dodge it, her speed surprising him, smacking down on his arm with such force she heard a significant crack. She caught the crossbow that Giles had offered and aimed it at him as he made a retreat.

She fired and watched as the arrow sped its way towards him, but just when she thought he was as good as dust, he turned, catching it inches before it met its mark. He snapped it as he shared a fleeting final smirk. She was only slightly mollified to see his previous confidence was visibly shaken. He made a far less intimidating figure as he limped quickly away cradling his arm.

Buffy started to go after him, but Giles placed his hand on her shoulder to forestall her, a warning gesture, and matching expression on his face.

"There'll be another chance to get him Buffy; you did a good job of letting him know that."

Buffy turned to see him considering her, that thoughtful look in place; he seemed to know there was something more going on. And that wasn't unsurprising due to the performance he'd just witnessed, it must have been clear that she was intent on killing Spike and was motivated in a way that eclipsed common garden variety vamps. He was simply sensing the obvious undercurrent.

"I can't believe I let him go," She exclaimed, deciding that a rant on the obvious was preferable to exploring anything else he might be wondering.

And she _was_ furious with herself and mildly annoyed at Giles interference. He had distracted her at just the wrong moment and then stopped her going after him. She might have caught up with Spike, she could run fast when necessary. A shame she wasn't allowed to try out for the track team. On second thought, no, it wasn't a shame.

"Well the bad news is that I'm quite sure he'll be back to try again, you can finish the job then." He told her, still fixing her with his questioning gaze.

She recognised he wasn't going to let it go but how could she possibly tell him her true reason for hating Spike so much?

"Not a bad day's work I guess," She conceded, "He won't forget me anyway." Not sure if this was a good thing or not but she hoped it would keep him off her back for a while.

"There's something you aren't telling me," Giles stated as they walked away. Buffy risked a sidelong glance in his direction.

"Yeah," She admitted, hoping he wouldn't push it. He nodded as they came to stand next to his car.

"When you're ready to tell me, I will be here,"

Buffy smiled, getting in the passenger side.

"My mind is always open, it has to be in this job Buffy. I am your guide, I am here to help you, I can't truly uphold my duty if I don't know what's going on. And, I do not judge."

Buffy snapped her head back up to look at him so quickly she might end up with whiplash.

Where did that come from? He couldn't know, right? He couldn't have an inkling of the hell she associated with that vampire. Her watcher was far better at reading her than alter-Giles from before, it was mildly disturbing. And yet, he was offering her an impartial ear if she needed it, which almost took the edge off the sunken feeling that still had a hold of her stomach.

"One more thing you should know now, and I'll be quiet. I wasn't always a fuddy-duddy librarian, one day I'll tell you the longer version but suffice to say before I accepted my heritage and duty to become a watcher, I rebelled in spectacular fashion."

He grimaced as he drove, Buffy looked up at him with sharp interest. She knew a little of his exploits having experienced some first hand, or almost, all the trouble with Ethan Rayne and the living nightmare that was Eyghon. But he had never been this open about his past. She couldn't recall a time he had offered to tell her the whole story either.

"I spent several years of my youth acting out, doing anything and everything that I had been taught was wrong to do. Bad dangerous things I did to escape, things I regret every day. I may not understand what it's like to be a 16-year-old girl, or the slayer but I might understand more than you think."

The familiarity of those words wasn't lost on Buffy, nor the promised support that fuelled them.

She nodded gravely as he slowed to a stop at the end of her road. She'd think about how to tell him. It was such a dark, shaming and desperate set of memories and all connected feeling and the trauma felt real even though it had not been.

* * *

The following morning found Buffy entering the library with some trepidation. It was unnerving knowing that Giles was more aware but strangely reassuring too. He was the one constant right now and she prayed he'd stick around and continue to be there watching her back.

He greeted her with his usual smile.

"Good morning Buffy."

"Morning Giles."

"Did you sleep well, after last night's, err, run in?"

It was worded politely enough but she knew he was asking more than the words he'd spoken.

"Yeah I'm good Giles, just hope he stays away for a while." She replied honestly, her night's sleep had been unusually peaceful and uninterrupted.

Doubt clouded his features, but he was diplomatic enough to keep further thoughts inside his head.

"Hey, I can hope right?" She smiled, attempting to bring a little levity. Buffy was feeling remarkably less concerned this morning. She'd deal with Spike eventually, that's what she did, she kicked evils butt, it was simply who she was.

Yeah, it felt like a good day.

"Oh, here Giles, I have this for you, for us." Buffy offered him the old leather-bound volume. His eyes lit up in avid interest.

"The Codex?" He spoke almost reverently, as she placed it in his open hands. "From…?" He asked, looking at her hesitantly.

Apparently, Giles was just as loathe to bring up his name now as he had been then.

"Yes," She nodded curtly, leaving him with little doubt that she too did not want to discuss that vampire either, at least not right now.

She smiled and moved on, spotting Willow and Xander sitting at the table. Xander looked bored while Willow was clearly in her element.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" Buffy enquired, noticing the numerous piles of books covering table and floor. Glancing at Giles she almost laughed, he was wearing his 'I'm not amused' face.

"Miss Calendar and some of her students are updating those dreaded machines libraries by, scanning all these books." Giles replied, not masking any effort to conceal his displeasure. He wasn't a fan of any kind of intrusion, but this was probably the worst kind; clearly, he was not at all keen to develop any better understanding of anything computer related.

As she thought this though, Buffy spotted the looks and glances he was throwing in Miss Calendar's direction; she was stood at the computer with Willow.

"But frankly I do not want to know what she is doing with my books, it's sacrilege really." He muttered more quietly, annoyed despite his interest in something else in the room.

Buffy turned her own attention toward Miss Calendar, though for wildly different reasons.

"Hey Buffy," The new age teacher greeted her, friendly, possibly too friendly considering Buffy had only 'met' her once so far. That had been last week when she had been a surprise replacement for the old computer science teacher. Hmm, too friendly, too interested, too much of a coincidence.

"Hey," Buffy returned, trying her hardest to appear oblivious. She wondered what the older woman was thinking. The lying two-faced cow-bag. Was that too harsh?

No.

It would have been, would be far better, simpler, safer, if Miss Calendar was honest with them. The disaster involving Angelus might never have happened if she'd been open about her presence and intentions from the beginning. Buffy found it hard to think about it now, now she knew what she knew. Yes, her own involvement was the major factor, obviously the stroke that sunk the tall dark ship; but this woman's hidden agenda had put them in danger too.

She regarded Giles who was talking with Willow. He deserved to know, what he did with that information was his decision. But Buffy didn't see any point in letting Jenny Calendar in the loop, yet.

Buffy had omitted the teacher's part in the narrative for various reasons. The Angel saga had been difficult enough to convey without adding that complication, it being so sensitive. How could she have begun to explain that Angelus had targeted all her closest allies and murdered her Watcher's love interest, going so far as to arrange her on his bed; as sick and twisted as a date night could be? But now, she felt there was no getting out of it, the sparks were there, and he needed to know the truth no matter what he did with it later. She'd been a fool to think she could avoid it, but she'd been hoping to spare Giles the hurt. Buffy was trying to come to terms with the idea that some things were inevitable, psychic vision or no.

Buffy began to head out of the library again, promising herself an in-depth conversation with Giles later that day. Ever the procrastinator.

Until she happened to briefly lay her eyes on an odd-looking chest hiding amongst the masses of books.

Uh oh.

"Giles come take a look at this," She gestured discreetly to the chest as she spoke, trying to keep a neutral voice with non-scoobies around.

"We need to deal with the book in there, otherwise there'll be a chaos demon unleashed on the internet and heaven knows the internet has enough issues without that."

He looked startled then regained his composure. They opened it to find the book Buffy that remembered, Moloch's delightful features snarling at them from the imposing cover.

Miss Calendar glanced at them, her interest piqued.

"Anything interesting over there in the British classics section?"

Did she think she was funny? Making fun of him wasn't going to win her any points.

"No nothing here I assure you, just something for us to sort out." Giles replied coolly, Buffy admired his composure in the face of that, and the obviousness of his attraction.

Her eyes narrowed imperceptibly. Now her interest was palpable.

"Alright, maybe you could tell me about it sometime."

Wait, now she was flirting?

Ugh did the woman have no scruples? Though as she thought this Buffy realised there had always been something between those two, hard as it was to correlate with Miss Calendars duplicity.

Giles was momentarily distracted by this offer and flustered for a second while Buffy exhaled a little too forcefully. He sent a brief glance toward Buffy before responding.

"Perhaps," Was all he told her. Buffy blinked in surprise.

This answer seemed enough to mollify Miss Calendar who smiled and gave her full attention back to Willow, the computer screen and another book from their pile.

Giles nodded to Buffy, half smiling in grim acceptance as he finished replacing the lid and resealed the chest. At least one good outcome this week; Willow wouldn't find out the hard way that internet dating wasn't good for her.

"We better get this somewhere it won't ever be found, since I'm guessing it can't be burned?" She looked to Giles expectantly.

"No, you're quite right, it won't burn, time for a boat trip," Giles said, looking not the least bit annoyed at the prospect. He really needed to get out more.

"A boat trip? Can I come with?" Xander piped up.

Buffy was vaguely concerned to realise Xander was looking up at them with interest and something else too, an odd look in his eyes. How long had he been listening?

"Possibly," Giles told him, already resigned. "It will have to wait until after dark."

"Ha all good, all the best stuff happens at night round here. No biggie." He declared before heading off, may be to class. Maybe not.

He needed a life too, something non-demony, he seemed far too comfortable. But he was there for her, which was a comfort despite the danger it put him in.

Buffy almost smiled as she considered the options for their field trip. And then also considered going to class. It almost felt like things were back to normal, as normal as life in big Sunny D could get.

She knew that Spike's early appearance was unlikely to be the last thing that differed in her twisted new reality. Again, she hoped he wouldn't be back for a while. Next time she saw him she intended to live up to her slayer name.

As she wandered home later, she kept going over Giles words. They echoed in her head as they had done when she'd first told him the whole sorry tale.

"When you change events, you can't expect other things to stay the same,"

She knew what he'd meant, the dumbed down version of the butterfly effect. She had some idea about that, she'd seen the movie after all.

There'd always be consequences.

And no matter how hard Buffy tried there would be bad things to fight, to stop, whether they were familiar or completely new, she had better get used to it. She had no idea why she'd ever thought knowing the future would make things easier.

* * *

So there we are, Spike dur dur duuuurrrr!

It's probably obvious by now that I am not a Spuffy fangirl. I just can't be doing with it. It came from a place of absolute misery, self-doubt and self-destruction. Her belief that she had come back 'wrong' and therefore belonged in the dark. He took advantage of all that, as you'd expect an evil creature to do; being neutered did not change that much. As a result it was an abusive relationship between a victimised woman and a manipulative murderous stalker. Just no. I hated the bulk of season 6 with a passion, it bordered on painful to watch. 'Normal Again' was a rare highlight, and part inspiration for this story, originally begun more than 16 years ago.

Besides all that, the far more natural, adversarial relationship between Buffy and Spike/Dru, ala seasons 1-4 was far more fun and entertaining as hell.

A note on Spike's accent/dialect, I considered him using the word 'mommy', in a mocking kind of way, because that's very commonly used in America (and other countries) and he's representative of more than just another vampire. Being English it takes on more meaning in light of all the history between Britain and American. But, I settled on him saying 'mummy' and simply being true to his roots.

Thoughts, questions, comments all gratefully received thank you!

There must be questions, heaven knows I have tons myself as I'm still working out the directions to take with it, so yes I'm probably quite open to suggestion, there are so many options! This instalment presses issues into my mind regarding Willow and how she may be affected by not having had the experience of internet dating a demon, as far as character development goes; how it's a lesson in trusting her friends and not being so easily manipulated etc. That Xander may or may not be on the precipice of discovering *something* and how his reaction to that may influence his decision making and the direction he takes. Not to mention how this will alter Spike's perspective, how he will react to this initial run-in, how this will affect his decisions and plans to off the slayer. Ad infinitum.

Next up...I wonder! I've finished revising the early chapters so next up is somewhere in the ether, provided I can find some of my brain after it's all dribbled out of my ears every evening - the joys of kids offset by no head space by the time I sit down ready to write! Hmm tricky that one. Off to consult some very very old notes...

B x


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